Wednesday, October 12, 2011

How I realized I totally wasted my youth. Brought to you by the letters I, V, and F.

So in May, when it was clear that we were not getting pregnant through our own efforts or mild interventions, we realized we needed to turn to what we had been considering the nuclear option.

Although in retrospect, except for the heart-stopping expense, the whole process wasn't that terrible. Although I do wish I'd taken a picture of my stomach after all the shots.

I'm not going to say that it looked like the Ho Chi Minh trail, which is how Nick likes to describe some of DC's worst roads, because though I like the simile, it would be a gross exaggeration. Mostly it looked like I'd been beaten by teeny tiny angry little fists.

But honestly, the injectable drugs were so much easier in terms of side effects than the Clomid I'd been taking. Those pills turned me into a rabid little hate machine.

I'm not exaggerating. I told Nick I hated him in front of one of our friends. And I meant it. I gnashed my teeth all night long. I woke up loathing my husband just for breathing. I spent my days wanting to kick puppies and shove pregnant women.

Not so good.

So we met with our doctor who was basically all, yah, at almost 42 you have like 37 seconds of fertility left, and let's get going.

Right. So.

My insurance, it covers nothing in terms of fertility procedures or medication.

And thus, when I got the call from the pharmacy telling me that my grand total for medication was going to be $5,300, I nearly passed out, right there on 17th Street. I called my nurse. She found coupons. She called alternate pharmacies.

We got the total down to $4,000. For 10 days of medication. My math is not great, but it was pretty easy to work this out to $400 per day.

It got me thinking.

I don't know what kind of quality you'd be talking, but it seems to me that if you're going to be sticking drugs into your body, you could probably have a really good time on $400 a day. I'm not saying you could have this major hookers and blow binge, but something along those lines.

Don't you think?

And then, then I started being all, why the fuck didn't I have a drug problem in my early 20s? Your 20s are the time to do it! Look at all these things I'm never going to do now: Threesomes! Sleeping around! Drug experimentation!

I totally fucking wasted my youth with that first-born-rule-follower bullshit.


  1. If it helps at all I totally did your share. It's not all it's cracked up to be and sort of haunts you a lot when your kids are grown.

    The price of your drugs going down that much? To be that high to begin with? And the still be so astronomically HIGH! We are fighting the wrong drug war!

  2. You know, I've been reading your blog for a while now, and have had the privilege of listening to some of your tales in person, and I have to say - you've managed, as far as I can tell, to have all of the FUN of such things without any of the downside. Your nasal membranes are intact! You don't have scratches and scars all over your face! And yet, you've still managed to get away with buttering a date's nose. So, I don't think you missed out on anything.

    Though, that would be a REALLY awesome pair of shoes every day for ten days. I'm probably not helping, am I...

  3. If this was Facebook, I would totally "like" Jessica's comment.

  4. Yep I am with Jessica on the shoes thing. Just think of all the stress and the lies you would have to tell your teenagers if you had been a druggie and slept around and done all that rubbish stuff in your 20's. Seriously Ben is 18 and sometimes I have to stop and think "what was I doing at 18?" and then I go all quiet and think shut up mum because really your boy isnt so bad after all and then I say a silent sorry to mum and dad for my teen years not that I was that bad but I wasnt an angel either.

  5. Can I just say (and I don't want to start a whole political debate here) that when I read stuff like this it makes me very grateful to be living in Italy right now with a public healthcare system, that, though nowhere near perfect, still does not require one to go bankrupt to have a baby (or, you know, give up buying really awesome shoes every day).

  6. Lynn - Thank you for doing my share! That makes me laugh.

    And the drugs, wow. I have no idea how expensive they are to produce, but the prices are incredible.

    Jessica - You definitely know how to make a person feel better! I hadn't given any thought to nasal membranes or facial scarring! And if it were crystal meth, I wouldn't have any teeth left. So thank goodness!

    And ARGH! That would be 10 days of awesome shoes...

    Stacey - I know. Jessica always has awesome things to say.

    Go-Betty - You just made me laugh. I hadn't thought of the stress and lies down the road either. :)

    Moomser - I am really envious of Europeans and Canadians. It would be really fantastic not to have to worry about health care. And of course, living in Italy, you have constant access to fantastic shoes. Another envy!

  7. What a payoff on this investment though, eh? Sure beats having nothing to show for a "wasted" youth.

  8. Oh, absolutely. I am not complaining about the money spent at all. Just, you know, if you're going to stick that kind of cash into yourself, there are more fun substances out there.

  9. Agreed, anonymous is a coward. Lisa tells humiliating stories about herself and thats why we love her! The only reason for that negative comment is out of self pitty.

  10. I love you. And I can SO relate.

    "Look at all these things I'm never going to do now: Threesomes! Sleeping around! Drug experimentation!

    I totally fucking wasted my youth with that first-born-rule-follower bullshit."

    I could have written that myself. Congrats on baby!

  11. That's okay you'll get a second shot at the teenage crazies now from the other side. IAnd i you think $400 a day is high just wait and see what the little bugger costs you once he gets here!

  12. Truly, even not having kids, I wish I would have had more fun in my youth. I do have some GREAT memories, and carefully avoided the many pitfalls of drug use. I guess I'm the first-born-anti-rule-follower.

  13. just want to say, i love love love reading your blog.

  14. And the really offensive thing is that back in the day, you'd spend the $400 on hookers and blow AND get knocked up.

    Time is so unkind.


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