Saturday night I was driving around my neighborhood for 45 minutes trying to find a parking spot.
I had groceries with me, and as I was circling I opened a packet of sliced provolone. I kept driving around and around the same damn set of blocks, and getting more aggravated by the minute, and eating more cheese.
At some point I looked down and thought, "I've eaten too much cheese!" And started to giggle out loud.
Because, you see, a year or so ago I went on this not-date date with a guy who lived in my neighborhood. We had met totally randomly, and established very quickly and for a variety of reasons, that we were not going to date. One of the big ones was that he was Republican and wanted to date a Republican. And I did not.
But he had all these interesting things about him - was in the foreign service, spoke five languages, had been all over the world, was moving to Morocco. Plus, he said he had single colleagues who I might like. I should meet them. This definitely made him appealing.
He'd invited me out for happy hour with a bunch of his friends, but I'd been unable to make it. And so one evening he suggested we grab dinner.
So we went out for friendly not-date dinner. And sometime during dinner I realized that it was all about him, his job, his importance, his this and his that. And every time I interrupted his monologue and tried to turn it into a conversation he ignored it. To tell me something else that should impress me about him.
So I decided to ask about the single men he was offering up. The fabulous friends. And he went through the list, naming them, and then giving me reasons why actually, now that he was thinking about it, they wouldn't work out. One smoked. One was just about to move to, um, Thailand. One he strongly suspected was gay.
One by one, he eliminated all. Really, he had no single friends that I would actually like. Pity, that.
And so I think I must have asked about relationships and moving around a lot or something, and the conversation turned to his work and relationships in the workplace. And how his last girlfriend had been a colleague.
"She was so beautiful. I didn't think I'd ever get her to go out with me. But finally she did."
"So," I asked, "what happened?"
"Oh, we went out for a while. And I really liked her. But in the end I had to break up with her. Because she just ate too much cheese."
I almost spat out the sip of beer I'd just taken.
"I'm sorry. Did you just say you broke up with her because she ate too much cheese?"
"Yes. She ate too much cheese."
"How much cheese? And is she from the Midwest?"
"They eat a lot of cheese. How much cheese? How much cheese is too much cheese?"
I was picturing a woman gnawing at this enormous block of cheddar, as big as her head. I've subsequently had so many conversations with people about this. What kind? Gorgonzola? Swiss? And most importantly: how much cheese is too much cheese?
"A lot. I don't know. She ate a lot of cheese. And I didn't like the way she ate it."
I was giggling. And so intrigued. "But how much? How did she eat it?"
You can see how this conversation had suddenly become fascinating to me.
He was getting agitated. "I don't know. A lot. She ate a lot of cheese!"
"OK, fine. So you broke up with this beautiful woman because she ate too much cheese."
"Yes. Well, that and she talked really dirty in bed. And she stuck her finger in my butt."
With this he poked his finger in the air.
I probably don't have to tell you how hard I laughed at that. And he? Looked very pleased with himself. Like he'd told a great joke. Clearly I found him funny.
After I'd stopped laughing, wiped the tears from my face, and caught my breath, I asked if they still worked together. They did not.
Because I just cannot let go of something like this, I was about to bring up the amount of cheese again. When he asked, "Would you like to go out again sometime?"
I had my hands resting on top of the table, and as he said that, he reached over and started fondling my fingers.
I withdrew my hand.
What to say to self-absorbed cheese eater hating finger up the bum man? "Um, well, I suppose we could go out as friends. In the neighborhood. It's good to have friends. In the neighborhood. We are neighbors, after all."
"But just as friends?"
"Well, yes. Remember how we'd already established that we're not really anything the other is looking for? For starters, you're looking for a Republican, remember?"
"Well, yes, but that's for a serious relationship. We could just have fun."
I took a deep breath and said, "Let me be very honest with you. I am never. Ever. Going to sleep with you." I looked him straight in the eye as I said this.
"Is it because I'm Republican?"
"No, it's because you are afraid of a little finger up the butt."ReplyDelete
Instead of a book club, we should have another kind of club - one where we meet up and share all of our bad date stories.
I dated a Republican once. My mother -hated- him just because he was republican. In fact, to this day she refers to him as The Fat Republican and not by name.ReplyDelete
"OK, fine. So you broke up with this beautiful woman because she ate too much cheese."ReplyDelete
"Yes. Well, that and she talked really dirty in bed. And she stuck her finger in my butt."
To a theatre near you....
Someone other than Marlon Brando in.....
LAST TANGO IN FROMAGE-VILLE.
Man, my dating stories are so dull :)ReplyDelete
This made me giggle repeatedly. A dirty-talking cheese-overeater from Wisconsin sounds like something the Farrelly brothers forgot.
Okay, someone doesn't just stick a finger in your butt much to your surprise. Unless your completely sedated. Perhaps dateboy was actually sending up a trial balloon on that one. Although where the cheese talk fits in I'm not sure. My life is so boring by comparison!ReplyDelete
I admit, I would also be a beautiful non-republican cheese eating fiend. Who occasionally will talk dirty in bed if that is what a guy wants.ReplyDelete
In fact, I think that these characteristics make me more of a catch than an non cheese-eating Republican, who, um how did you put it the other day, "pulls up her Victorian nightgown, closes her eyes, and thinks of England?"
Okay, I just read this post upon my return from the grocery where I bought 3 different kinds of cheese. I do not look upon this as a character flaw, although it is rather a cholesterol flaw.ReplyDelete
Lisa, you are very funny.
mmmm... Cheese. Yummy...ReplyDelete
FK - Ha! But a fear I can't criticize. As for the club - sounds like fun!ReplyDelete
Jo - I can understand that. I've dated a lot of Republicans but have friends who wouldn't dream of it.
Anon - Hahahahahaha!!
jess - Heh heh. Thank you! :)
Riley - Yikes. I have no idea. And I have to imagine your life is not boring but rather normal by comparison.
SL - Haha! Yes, definitely makes you more of a catch.
Karen - Maybe a cholesterol flaw but good for your bones. And thanks!
VVK - I know! Yum! Which makes me wonder again just HOW MUCH cheese is too much?
I adore moments when something as mundane as eating too much cheese (which by the way is impossible) make you laugh out loud with the memory of a slightly more fun time (even if it was at the expense of an ego-driven and politically wayward gent).ReplyDelete
I absolutely LOVE your blog! You are a scream. You actually had me laughing out loud in an empty apartment. I'm glad you made it perfectly clear that just because he was amusing you wouldn't change your prevous assessment that you two were incompatable. You know, Red people and Blue people comingle all the time. Sometimes they even have little green babies and live happily ever after.ReplyDelete
That being said, I can't help but wonder... how much is too much cheese?
Really, Lisa! I can't believe you let this guy get away.ReplyDelete
More cheese, please!
BeeJay--Lisa, this is SO funny. I'm sitting and laughing out loudReplyDelete
all by myself.
This story is definitely worth posting on this site.
"Put Your Hand In The Can"ReplyDelete
(with apologies to the original author(s))
Put your hand in the can of the man who loathes curd-eaters
Put your hand in the can of the man who gauged the cheese
Take a look 'cross the table and-a you can see him poke up digitally
Like puttin' a hand in the can of the man spouting "No mo' chee'..."
I don't think anyone should date a republican. If we keep them from reproducing, maybe they will die out eventually.ReplyDelete
can you really eat too much cheese? you're a hoot.ReplyDelete
MI - Yah, me too. And hey, can't wait to see you!ReplyDelete
2x4 - Thank you!!! I don't know.
DCup - I can't believe it either. I should've at least gone out with him again for fondue or something.
BeeJay - I'm glad! Thank you! :)
SL - I'll check it out! Thank you!
Anon - Hahahahaha!
HIN - Hmm. That's a thought. There are some hot ones though.
moosie - I think you can. But it's an extraordinary amount. And thanks!
I am so in love with you.ReplyDelete
You have no idea how much I look forward to your posts... You're going to keep me sane and grounded and inspired on yet another deployment all by yourself!
wow. that is hilarious. i love that he used a finger in the air to emphasize his point. haha.ReplyDelete
also, i love cheese too. i wonder if anyone has ever been turned off by my cheese eating?!!
This story is hysterical!!!ReplyDelete