Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I'm not going so far as to say they paved paradise, but there is a point to be made

I'll move on to other, non-pregnant topics soon, I promise. Or at least intersperse these posts.

In case you are already all, golly geez heckfire! Is this all we're going to hear about for the next, well, ever?!

But look at this. Look how little my waist was, a scant few months ago. Look how lithe and happy I was! I took it for granted! I didn't even think I was that thin!

Clearly, it's like that Joni Mitchell song.

I know I'm barely preg, and I've gained maybe a pound or two, but man, my pants are tight. Not just in the stomach. But in the ass as well. My thighs are pulling the material so my pants do that weird whisker thing. This! This seems really unfair.

So I realized. It would be a lot more convenient if I could be pregnant in my ass rather than my stomach. That would feel all kinds of familiar to me.

Because I am one of these people who carries weight pretty much exclusively in her ass and thighs. I gain weight, it heads straight there. I'm used to having a butt. I've spent years dressing to flatter a little waist, not much in the breasticle area, and an ample ass and thighs. I'm good at that.

This dressing for more boobs and an ever-thickening stomach? While still trying to manage the ass business? When that's expanding as well?

What am I supposed to wear?



  1. I hear that moomoos work in times like these.

    mumus? (sp?)

    regardless of what you think, you ARE thin, and you will be one of those cute little basketball smugglers when you're pregnant.

    My sister in law has just your body type and she always looked like she had just swallowed a watermelon.

  2. "golly geez heckfire!"

    I know you were just extending your pledge to be less profane to its hyperbolic length, but please, for the love of pork lion and all things holy, give us the profanity we expect. Every time you get all June Cleaver, every time there is a heckfire dropped from your lips, some radical evangelist gets his wings. Do you really want that on your conscious?

  3. A hairband through the button hole worked like a charm for months... once you go maternity wear, there's no going back.

    Congrats! It's all worth it once you see your bundle of joy.

  4. Well, if the preggo women I see are any indication, you're supposed to abandon all sense of style and taste, and either go for horrible flowery things with floppy bows, or wear nothing but tank tops and sweats from the MOMENT you start to show. Seriously, I think certain hormones have a detrimental effect on the fashion choice part of the brain.

  5. Hmmm...I would try getting away with yoga pants and comfy tops for the next 8 months or so at work. I mean, doesn't pregnancy automatically qualify you to wear clothing without buttons, zippers, fasteners etc.?
    I bet Nick doesn't mind the changes in your body. It would be like getting two wives in one, wouldn't it?

  6. Until my very late 20s, I was always a pear shape. Then my body started changing, weight shifting, and I had to start dealing with rapidly increasing chestiness and a slight tummy. It felt so foreign to feel tightness at the waistline!

    I wish I could say that my body shifted back. Even though I appreciate an hourglass frame, I miss wearing boatnecks and spaghetti straps. But I've learned that sweetheart necklines and slight drapiness (for tops) are my new friends. Pants are still total crap. Gap Long & Lean jeans still fit my hips but now give tummy control. I work from home, so I haven't had to worry about trousers, but I have found dresses - especially wrap dresses, even though I know they're overplayed - to be a wonderful option.

    Good luck! (And the rubberband trick really does work.)

  7. dresses, i'm voting for dresses.
    ... we have a few adorable posh preggo shops here that have the most awesome looking stuff for you lucky ladies! just looking in the windows makes me want to be pregnant.

    and like someone said above, be careful with the maternity pants. i hear they're addictive and easy to stick with even after the baby is outta' there

  8. oh and how much are you looking forward to the boobs?!? that's yet another reason i am looking forward to being pregnant!
    i'm gonna rock those puppies!

  9. Although I'm a guy, I'm gonna have to go with Notso here and suggest the concept of dresses. It would seem to me, since I have no frame of reference, there'd be a little more "give" in a dress. But what do I know.

    Also, Ref, what's a "pork lion"? Is that some kind of non-Kosher king of the jungle?

  10. i concur on the wrap dress preganancy coverup. but the empire waste things are totally in style right now and you are lucky in that respect.

    back when I was pregnant, mind you, it was back before the celeb pregnancy boom and almost all pregnancy stuff looked like it came from jc penny. ugh.

    if i were you i would head straight to japanese weekend and take a deep breath, it'll be ok.

    once you actually give birth you might as well just throw on a muumuu - no one will look at you anyway. it's all about the baby and you are just whatsername, the cute little baby's carrier/feeder/strollerpusher.

  11. They make this thing called a Bella Band, it allows you to wear your pants unbuttoned and forms a panel. It wont give you more room anywhere besides the belly though. It made my non maternity clothes last until 20 weeks.

  12. What's this I hear about "more boobs"?

  13. Lots of black! And shirts that you don't have to tuck in! As a woman who gains ALL weight in her stomach, that's how I deal with things. :)

  14. I think you should put yourself on bedrest for the next 9 months. That's what I would do. It sounds divine.

  15. I think I'd totally just rock the boho-chic for a few months. No matter what you wear, darling, it will be accessorized with a glow :-)

  16. Slightly Disorganized - I am going to get all wide and waddly. I know I am. And I think it's mumu, and all I can think of is the Three's Company neighbor...was it Mrs. Roper? Even though you're way too young for the series?

    Restaurant Refugee - Ha! I was just testing that out. It won't stick around. But the threat of the radical evangelist getting his wings - fuck. That's enough to scare me back to constant profanity.

    hthr - Oh, that "once you go maternity wear, there's no going back" makes me nervous! My current pants just make me feel fat. I know it is all worth's just so everything different almost every day.

    Susan - That sounds super super comfy but alas, not possible for work. And Nick, he is delighted with the curves. More than I am.

    Miss Kate - This is the thing! YOu spend a long time with one body - it's hard to shift gears! And I love pants! I love MY pants! Or I did, anyway...

    notsojenny - Maybe I should go looking. I haven't so far, wanting to delay on maternity spending for a while. But shopping always makes me happy.

    As for the boobs, they are foreign to me. It's not that I don't like them, it's more that I don't understand them.

    FoggyDew - It does seem reasonable. And I like dresses.

    xuxE - Yes, pregnancy stuff seems to have gotten a lot cuter - a couple women in my office had really cute stuff. And good to know about post-birth. I feel very lucky that it will be warm at that point.

    Tara - Thanks. I could do that with a couple pairs of pants. I would like to delay the maternity purchases for as long as I can.

    Arjewtino - It is true. The boob fairy has stopped by a couple times.

    Kate - This may be my best solution. All black and no tucking.

    FreckledK - That is one of my huge fears. A friend my age had to be on it for 4 months. It turns out you can't lie in bed and lift weights, which I figured would be my solution if I had to. You have to just lie there! I would be Bat. Shit. by the end of it.

    LiLu - I'm just not a boho-chic-er! It looks so cute on other people and I can't seem to manage it! And I wish I were, but so far I am definitely not glowing.

  17. Dresses. Knit stretch dresses. You can wear them for the months afterwards as well. Plus, you can wear your tarty boots and look hot as hell.

  18. Yep, dresses. I just had my 3rd kid in 3 years and my closet is full of them. Also, buy a couple pair (pairs?)of jeans and pants a few sizes bigger to get you through the next few weeks and the first few weeks after you give birth. I was lucky that longer shirts were in style so those helped, too. Congrats!

  19. Black dresses are your friend. Anything stretchy and cotton so it can grow with you and let your skin breath without those UGLY panels. Target has much better stuff for maternity on the internet than in their stores- I lived in the back leggings I bought from them-especially under dresses.
    I'm absolutely sure you'll look great and feel great, the second trimester is fantastic.
    And really- go for stuff that shows how pregnant you are, it looks cute, and it's more comfortable.

  20. I went the maternity route pretty much as soon as my waist started to expand. You can get really cute pants that aren't of the "huge elastic waistband" variety, and pretty empire waist tops. If you're uncomfortable in your current clothes, I would bite the bullet.

  21. hahahahahahahaha. Seriously, I almost just feel off of my chair. I LOVE this post. You should invest in a lion's share of boob tops and hope their majesty takes attention away from other areas that aren't cooperating. =-)

  22. Dresses. Cleavage. Work with what you've got. And SoLow pants/ Hard Tails- they are your friend. Buy them in black and I guarantee you can get away with them at work with the right shirt and accessories.

  23. Go the flasher route: cinched-up tan trench coat & bare ankles. It's stylish, provocative, and won't ever matter what's underneath.

    And I believe the pork lion is the natural enemy of the tofudebeest.

  24. I am a gain-weight-exclusively-in-the-tummy girl, so pregnancy should be no problem for me, haha.

    I think you're going to be one of those adorably fit and tiny pregnant women. The ones who do prenatal yoga and wear overalls.

  25. Lemmonex - When I start feeling better, I'll be up for the tarty boots. I love the idea of being visibly preg with super tarty boots.

    Katie - 3 kids in 3 years! You are a stronger woman than I. I currently feel like how would I ever deliberately do this again??

    Mary - I do feel like this will get easier when I actually poke out a lot in the front. Right now it's all kind of nebulous and I just feel fat.

    Wendy - I might have to do this, at least with one pair of pants. The pants thing is really bugging.

    Ryane - We'll see. I like the idea but I haven't really been in this position before.

    Brett - Those pants look and sound great. I'll look at some this weekend.

    Anon - Oh, this made me laugh, and I love the cartoon. If it weren't so bloody cold, I'd definitely be up for the flasher look.

    Nicole - Then you are one of the lucky women who will have the cute little hips and nice legs and just carry in the front. I really believe the carry in the tummy women look best.

    saratogajean - I haven't had overalls since college. Then, mine were acid washed, I believe. Yikes.

  26. Hooray for the tunic! Invest in leggings and knit tunics, still sexy with boots and very forgiving.

  27. First, you are totally skinny! Second, according to my BFF "If your ass gets big before your belly gets big, it's a girl" She was right for me! Enjoy all the changes and attention if you can!

  28. First, you are totally skinny! Second, according to my BFF "If your ass gets big before your belly gets big, it's a girl" She was right for me! Enjoy all the changes and attention if you can!

  29. First, you are totally skinny! Second, according to my BFF "If your ass gets big before your belly gets big, it's a girl" She was right for me! Enjoy all the changes and attention if you can!

  30. I have to say, I love the zoomed in version of this photograph. The details on the dress are just beautiful! As beautiful as you!

    Also, I am so sorry to say this, but prepare to lose all your shoes. My feet grew a size when I was expecting. Some women's feet go back to their old size after delivery. Mine did not. Of course, some women don't see this problem at all. And also it does mean a reason to do some serious shoe shopping... Crossing my fingers for you that you don't have to lose all your shoes like I did.

  31. Wear comfy stuff. It's your right at this time! And that dress is gorgeous, by the way!

  32. Ok, no one jumped in first with my suggestion, so here goes :

    Thai fisherman's pants

    Or alternatively, move somewhere much warmer and go nekkid! (More photos req'd of course)


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