Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The pregnant

First of all, and really mainly, thank you for all your lovely comments and congratulations! You all are just the best - so kind and thoughtful and enthusiastic.

I really was worried about posting about it, and I want to hug you all. You made me feel really good. Particularly in a period where I generally feel like crap pretty much all the time.

Plus it is such a fucking relief to be able to talk about it.

Nick is really excited. I'm excited. And terrified. And exhausted and bitchy. And a number of other things.

You'd think the knocked up would be an easier thing to post about than a lot of the other super-personal information that I share. But it was scary. Because I've been holding my breath, ready for it to just go away at any moment. And it still could.

I'm at nine weeks, which means four to go till thirteen, which is the end of the first trimester, and apparently when your risk of miscarriage drops significantly. But you just don't know.

And did you know that this whole business is 40 fucking weeks? More than nine months! More like ten! Did you know this? I did not.

I felt kind of tricked. A whole extra month. That's almost as long as an elephant - they're pregnant for 13 months, I think.

Honestly. But anyway.

I was trying very hard to wait until that point. And then, sometime last week, Nick got comfortable with the idea of talking about it. And the truth is, you really don't know what's going to happen. And it's just easier for me to live life out loud.

I hate keeping secrets. I mean, I can keep other people's to the grave. But my own exhaust me.

And this is something I think about in some way practically every single minute. Mostly because I'm so fucking tired. All. The. Time. And my pants don't fit. And I can't drink. And I get out of breath walking up one flight of stairs. And I briefly and irrationally loathe my husband for something completely ridiculous approximately once a day.

Like, suddenly I'm all, "Does he have to pour his tea that loudly? Dickhead."

Or something equally stupid. I'm not kidding.

It's even worse with strangers.

Anyway, I still have a fuckpile of work. January is shaping up to be craptacularly busy in the work department.

Clearly the preg-work combo is doing nothing for my epheral attempt at profanity reduction. It has kind of gone out the fucking window at this point.

The good news is, I just don't think it would bother me to have profane children.


  1. Wonderful news!

  2. one of my little sister's first words was 'shit'
    profane children are hilarious
    just sayin'

  3. This is going to be one of the few children I actually like. I don't know why, exactly. I can just tell.

    Sign me up for a babysitting shift - I can't wait to meet the little fucker (and I mean 'fucker' as a term of endearment, in case you are too hormonal to get the joke).

    Congrats again. Love you!

  4. I think your pregnancy posts will be even more interesting (and profanity-filled) than your dating posts. Can't wait!!

  5. Make sure you get your profane baby on tape--you can win some serious money from American's Funniest Home Videos.

    Yes, I watch the show and yes, I am a little ashamed of that fact.

  6. Just this weekend my friends were talking about when they'll have to start watching what they say. Their son is about 8 months old. My brother said he was worried his daughter's first words would be "The light is green, idiot."

    I say take the knocked up Mulligan and run with it. No one's allowed to criticize you until your pants fit again. And maybe not even then.

  7. HOLY MOLY! Congratulations!

    i started reading this post and was all "what!? how did i miss this?!" i had to go back and reread yesterday's post! that's SO EXCITING!!
    and i did know about the 10month thing... kinda crazy that they keep that so hush-hush.
    and i'm with you on you just need to live. i understand that it's hard to tell people and then have something happen and have to tell everyone about that but i also think it might be harder to go through that alone, just the two of you. i mean honestly, it's not like your body shuts down if you tell people before the 3mos. mark... enjoy it! it's only 10 months so why cut yourself 3 short?!

    ... and an elephant's gestation is 22 months... i'm pretty sure but going to look it up now

  8. Maiden Metallurgist - Thank you!

    Hillary - That is really, really funny. One of my first words was Coke. And apparently I used to exclaim, "Oh Jesus Christ!" quite a bit. And then they stopped letting me have soda, and they probably stopped cursing around me.

    FreckledK - I hope so! I completely got the affection conveyed with "little fucker" - and I do appreciate it.

    Susan - Oh, you totally made me feel good saying that. I have no idea. I fear they're going to be pretty ranty.

    saratogajean - Hahaha - I love that idea!

    FoggyDew - Hilarious! And thank you for the criticism protection. At least he wasn't worried she'd say, "Why isn't that asshole going? It's a green light."

    notsojenny - Oh, thank you! I am excited. And 22 months?!?! How fucking unfair is that?

  9. I am with Foggy, you get a profanity exemption through the entire pregnancy. However, a severe bitchiness exemption extends to the second and third trimester. The third trimester brings a "mutherfucker, I ain't moving bring my bon bons to the couch damnit" exemption. I can't even fathom the exemptions afforded you in the last two weeks.

  10. The 10 month thing is a complete sham. Along with "morning" sickness and pregnancy "glow". I believe these were all thought up by men. So, in the big scheme of things, it's okay that our husbands take a beating as a result of our hormones. It is payback!

    Congratulations again! And hang in there! I hear things are supposed to get better in the second trimester. :-)

  11. As long as your kid has a large vocabulary in addition to the swear words, I think it's okay.

  12. Weeks 8 through about 12 are definitely the roughest in the beginning, when you're exhausted and queasy and grumpy and you feel like you look fat rather than pregnant. Around 12 weeks, things start to even out, and then by about 15 weeks you get your energy back, you start to feel flutters or kicks, and it gets kind of fun. You get a definite pregnancy belly, and it's adorable. So just hang in there a little longer. Things will improve, I promise.

    The 40 week thing sucks, but remember that 2 of those weeks are prepregnancy, because they count the start of pregnancy as the day of your last period. So it's really only 38. If that helps any.

    Probably not. Fuck.

  13. Yeaaah!!! I missed the last post so when I saw this title I got extra excited! And of course you get a pass on the profanity- you're carrying another being for Christ's sake. You get a pass for everything!

  14. I have a million little epics like the ones you just rattled off. It varies from the abject worrying ("if anything happens to this peanut, I will be so depressed I'm going to lie down for a year and not get up") to the absurd ("This one... will grow up to be the greatest adventurer ever"). We taped ourselves talking to Lil Zygote each months, and laugh our asses off when we play it back now. My wife can be seen saying things like "You're making me wheezy" and "this is like the worst lay-away ever." Enjoy it, however miserable you are. It's a short ride. Congratulations again.

  15. My son is 9 and he is really just now discovering the 'dirty' word. Not that I was ever good at censoring myself, I too share basically everything. Unfortunately you are soon to be busy in ways you never thought possible but the rewards sooo out weigh the draw backs so I say, nap when you can and congrats!!

  16. Congrats on the little lemon!

  17. I completely missed the fact in yesterday's post that you are pregnant. It only made me hungry.

  18. Yeah, I'd be PISSED if I didn't know about the 10 months before I got knocked up. But, um, happee! And joyous! Right?

    How much do you want to punch me right now? Can you hear me sipping my beer really loudly?

  19. It gets better. I promise.

  20. So, I'm a single guy with no intentions for changing that anytime soon and definitely no intentions of having children, like, maybe, ever.

    This is going to make very interesting reading for the next 31 weeks...

  21. RestaurantRefugee - Hahaha! I will definitely try that. I might even start practicing now with the motherfucker, bring the bon bons!

    mrsmac - I believe you are right about all those things. As for second trimester, we shall see. :)

    J - I will work on that.

    Wendy - I can't wait to have energy back. And it will be so great to feel like I have a baby in there rather than just fat fast fat. And yes, you're right. 38 weeks. Still trickery, but better.

    Brett - A pass for everything! That's kind of awesome!

    Anonymous - That is a nice reminder. It is fun to hear about the goofy things you did while your wife was pregnant. So far I'm not enjoying this, but I'll try to focus on the good stuff.

    writes like a girl - Well, 9 seems like an OK age. Much better than 4. And thanks - I will do that!

    Christina - I love that! Maybe that's how I'll refer to it!

    Arjewtino - That's cool. I'd kill for one of those sticky buns right now.

    LiLu - Um. I hate you a little bit. Because YES I can hear you sipping, even through plugged ears and singing lalalalalala.

    Lisa - People keep saying. And you had three, so it must.

    Rough Edges - The thought of that makes me laugh. It'll be an adventure for both of us.

  22. So about that 40 week thing. They start counting from the last day of your last normal cycle, which means that if you got knocked up in a bar by a total (but very hot) stranger, according to the people who came up with 40 weeks, you'd be pregnant before you even laid eyes on the very hot stranger.

  23. can't help but wonder what baby's first words will be ...




    Any of these is YouTube worthy!

  24. Oh, just wait until you get to feel COMPLETELY incompetent when the baby comes.
    And man, I look at those pictures of Nick and imagine what a moose this little puddings going to be! Big babies are fun though, they seem sturdier:)

  25. Susan - This made me laugh out loud.

    Jo - Yes, any! Although I might keep it simple and mono-syllabic to start.

    Mary - I know. The kid is going to be ginormous. That kind of terrifies me a lot lot lot.

  26. Congrats. And don't worry, it gets better. You're tired for the first 2-3 months and then you start feeling a ton better...especially when you start noticing your new, ample bosom.

    One tip is extra stretchy clothes in various sizes. I went most of my pregnancy without maternity clothes thanks to babydoll shirts, stretchy shirts and stretchy jeans.

    I'll send good vibes your way to get past the tired soon. It helped me when I read that during pregnancy, your body is working everyday as much as it would if you were hiking a good-sized mountain. So, just remember that your body is working hard and take this chance to pamper yourself with naps and anything else you want...cause you can get away with it.

  27. So a conversation between Sophie and me this evening, which was after a two-week vacation in which we had sporadic internet access, went something like this:

    Me: Did you get all caught up on Lemon Gloria?

    Sophie: No, I didn't touch it. So don't tell me anything.


    Sophie: Unless it involves putting a penis somewhere.

    Me: Well, actually...

    Sophie: She's pregnant?


Tell me about it.