Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Stream of consciousness, mis-malignment, and uterus dance party 2009

Ohh, you people are so lovely and supportive. I want to hug you all.

Things are better with my dad, with Nick, and with my potential arsenic poisoning. Housing still in the air, but we are getting more Zen.

I mean, in the scheme. You know I suffer from a paucity of Zen.

But seriously. People have babies in war zones. If we lived in my parents' basement for a while after the kid is born, it would be fine. With me, anyway. Not sure about them.

Hi, mom and dad! Mind if we move into your basement this summer?

And I am stuck on wondering, if forced to pick between Nick and me, who a jury would choose as innocent and who they'd see as guilty. I'm not sure what the circumstances would be leading up to this.

But who would be more likely to get away with a crime?

I think I probably have a more innocent face (no?). But there are things on my blog that one could use to call my character into question.


My dad came home last night and Nick and I picked up kabobs at this place that he and my dad both love, and brought them to my parents' house for dinner.

They both seemed to be dong well, which made us feel better. We were worrying about them both, you know. We had a nice time, the four of us.

(Also, if you say "both" aloud too many times, it's a weird word.)

Towards the end of dinner Nick and my dad were talking about I don't know what all - boat mechanics and foreign policy or some such - while Betty and I were scooted together, hands on my belly, trying to feel the boy move.

He'd thump, but Betty would miss it. So I'd suck in my tummy, hoping to constrain his space. Or push on one side.

No luck. No thumping for gramma.

And then we got in the car and he went crazy. Seriously, he was all "Whee! Uterus dance party 2009!"

And I was thinking, "You butt! Would it have been so hard to poke one little leg out for your grandmother? One little head bump? I think not."

And he was all: "Hahahahaha! Dancey dancey! Poke poke thump thump! Whee!"

And so I said out loud, "That asshole! I can't believe how uncooperative he was."


"I mean, how hard would it have been? It's not like we ask a lot of him."

"Lis. Don't be so hard on him. We had a nice time. He was totally charming."

"What? Who?"

"Your dad."

"My dad? My dad was great. I'm talking about the boy!"

And on reflection I think that in fictional random situation that ultimately necessitated jail time, Nick would get off for clean-scrubbed looks and good behavior whereas my sailor mouth, malignment of progeny, and I would be marched off to the slammer.

So whatever it is, I should do it up big.


  1. He's practicing his dance moves, next time he'll give your mom a big show.

    Or he's an asshole:)

    Also, I think pregnant ladies can get away with more- make sure your jury is full of women with children.

  2. So glad your Dad is home and yall had a great dinner, even if the timing of the dance party was off!

    See, I went straight to the seer-sucker suit or the gold jacket vs. the tarty boots or the penis skirt. I think you're both fine in the eyes of a jury.

    And I think plum is the strangest word. Will add both to the list, you are right.

  3. Uterus Dance Party 2009 sounds way better than, say, New Year's Rockin' Eve.

    And I'm going to have to go ahead and say that I think Nick would be the one acquitted. :)

  4. I second Mary's statement - I think a jury of your peers (pregnant, or with newborns) would let a lot of things slide.

    I think househunting *requires* zen. You can borrow some of mine, just as soon as I've found it again. I think I lost it amidst my tax forms.

  5. Hooray that your dad is home and doing well.

    Don't worry, soon both you and Betty will not only be able to feel the boy, but SEE him too. It's really odd the first time you realize there is the imprint of an arm (or leg, or butt) sticking out of your belly!

    And, if you got a jury of pregnant women, not only would the acquit you, they'd help you hide the body!

  6. Mary - Hopefully the former rather than the latter. :) I suppose we'll know soon enough.

    And you are so smart! Yes, must stack the jury.

    HKW - Thank you! It was a good evening. And oh - he would wear the seersucker suit and they'd be all, what a nice southern boy, he could never have poisoned her.

    Plum. Definitely odd when repeated.

    mysterygirl! - I completely agree with both of your thoughts.

    Dagny - I hope so. And as for the Zen, I don't know how one would maintain it in the face of taxes, but I will happily borrow some later in the month.

    Cheryl - That will be really bizarre and really cool.

    And the helping hide the body made me laugh out loud.

  7. here's the thing: intelligent women suffer from being stereotyped as black widows. so all you have to do is dumb it down a bit and you'll be acquitted.

  8. No way. You'd totally get off on insanity. (As would I.)

  9. I think you'd get off, simply because you could use the pregnancy hormone excuse. But I'd try to make sure no one mentioned the part about calling your unborn child an asshole. ;)

    As for baby movements, try sitting with a TV remote on top of your belly. The remote will bob around to even the most sensitive bumps, and it provides quite a show!

  10. Hillary - Very good to bear in mind. Thank you.

    LiLu - As long as I got off, and not stuck in a mental hospital. Those places are nutso.

    Luna - Let's just keep it among quiet, then. The world at large probably would hold it against me.

    That sounds like fun! I will try it!

  11. Uterus dance party... everywhere I go I hear of uterus, pregnancies, babies, etc etc.. and now that I want a baby, there's no wife any more for it...

    But i think you'd get off no doubt.

  12. even though i've never met you, i would come visit you in jail . . .

  13. Sooo glad your dad is home and doing better. And I can tell you from experience that the little buggers always stop dancing the minute you're trying to get them to perform for someone.

  14. I would totally visit you in jail. Totally.

  15. I love your posts.. they are hilarious and your writing is great. I'm always cracking up reading them!

  16. I've been reading your blog for quite sometime, but I've only commented a few times. I really just wanted to say thanks for making me laugh every day. Besides the fact that we are women, we don't have much in common, but I love to hear about your pregnancy and look forward to the pics each week. I'm sure you've thought of names for your boy, might I suggest Adam? It's one of my brother's names and I think it's a good strong name that doesn't have any dumb nicknames. Wishing you all the best!


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