Saturday, January 02, 2010

Oh ding-dang criminatly

Hi! It's the new year! Yay!

One of my resolutions is, as always, to clean up my language.

It never works. And you know I'm going to fuck up and say fuck. And that is OK, I've decided. It's just that overall, I'd like to reduce the amount of profanity I use in my spoken language. Maybe my writing, but maybe not.

So my mother tells this story of when I was a little, little kid. We were all in Duluth, visiting my dad's parents.

My dad's mom, who wasn't the easiest MIL, was apparently being all holier-than-thou and explaining to my mother how using profanity was the sign of a poor vocabulary, or something along those lines.

And I, sitting under the table, pulled an "Oh, Jesus Christ!" out from my poor vocabulary.

I think Betty was secretly fairly pleased.

So anyway. This time, I've decided I'm going to try to start using ridiculous expressions that amuse me, with the intention of crowding out some of the curse words.

I'm not sure what they'll be - probably because I've been so profane for so long. But I think I'd like to start using "criminy" and "cripes" - mainly because I like how they both sound.

Betty will say "criminatly" - not sure where that came from, but it's like criminy times two, as far as I can tell.

I don't think I can pull off "jeepers." And I'm never going to say Jimminy Crickets. Or "oh, heckfire!"

But if you've got any creative additions, I'd like to hear them.


  1. One of my friends says "crikey" a lot. I kinda like it but it doesn't work for me, being the potty mouth that I am.

  2. i'm a huge fan of the mormon swear phrase: "oh my heck"

  3. Monique Esselmont1/02/2010 3:34 PM

    One day I was having an especially difficult day with my daughter, and I cursed under my breath saying "ahhh fuck" and she repeated it saying "oh fuck, right mommy??" I was mortified. I told her that was not what I said, I said daddy went out to the truck. She replied, "mommy, we don't have a truck, that's silly..." My husband doesn't swear, so I had to cover that one up quickly. I like using "oh sugar plum" (shit), or "firetruck"(fuck), but it's funny hearing my kids saying the exact same things, and not quite knowing the connotation of them... It's so hard cleaning up the language for the kids... Sometimes you just wanna let it all out!! haha...

  4. I happen to like the word "drat". Especially when writing work emails.

  5. Substitutes I use include:
    Holy Heck

  6. I am very fond of "shite".
    One of my friends says "Cheese and rice!"
    My boss, who will not curse for anything, says "I need to cuss!"

  7. My favorite swearing phrase that lacks all swearing is:

    "Son Of a motherless goat!"

    Plus, to me, it's hilarious, so it generally improves my mood. :)

  8. Fudge or crud.

  9. I have probably told you this before, but my all-time favorite profanity substitue (Nutra-shite, perhaps?) can be found in the network broadcast of the third Die Hard movie. You hear Samuel L Jackson and Bruce Willis use it a lot:

    I also like, but rarely use, bollocks.

  10. haha, i like melon farmer
    but i was going to say i'm doing this too. this being the year i'm prepping for future baby-havin i figure i better start with the language now... i've successfully done it before and found "cheese and crackers" to be a good "j.c." substitute. as for the others i usually try to stop my self with "shhhugarsticks" "fffuun stuff" and "donut hole" (for a-hole)
    good luck! can't wait to read your edited for tv posts : )

  11. Lisa - I am totally with you! That is at the top of my list this year. The other day, I posted on Facebook that my resolution for the year is to stop saying "F%#! this" and "What the H$%%" with things like "Yikes!" and "Oh Dear!"

    I will keep you posted.

    You always bring the funny . . . ;-)

  12. Ha, drat is a good one, forgotten about that. I use bollocks a lot. But otherwise I just blimmin swear (there, blimmin is another one).

    We don't have a good non swearing record in my family. When we were kids my sister was singing a Christmas carol that said Jesus Christ something-or-other and I said "mom, Tammy's swearing!"

    My cousin is also famous for saying, as a three year old "Where is this fucking picnic anyway!"

    Having said that I Never swore as a child. A friend of the family always tried to get me to swear by saying "if someone threw a ball at you would you catch it or dodge it" And whatever I answered he'd change it to cat shit or dog shit, until I'd say 'cat-swearing'. Even things like octapus I'd say was 'octaswearing'. Weirdo!

    Bloody hell, shut up already! This is a blog post in itself!

  13. oooh. ooh. I have no intention of cleaning up my poor vocabulary, but I have some fun swear alternates that I pack in right beside the curses, just because I think they are fun.
    "Shiz". That's my fave. works well with "holy". "Holy shiz, that's a mess."
    I like the above mentioned Jeebus, too, but gather it might be more offensive that Jesus to some, so may defeat the purpose. But I do use it as direct reference, including to icon pictures. Maybe it's just offensive the way *I* use it. As in, "nice pictures of May and Jeebus."
    And I love stretching out "fudge" to "chocolate fudge." Definitely more entertaining with the increased emphasis -- "what the CHOCOLATE FUDGE do you think you're doing?"

  14. Oops. That was MARY and JEEBUS.

  15. Bugger and bugger off are my favorites, from the movie Notting Hill. I can't do an Brittish accent but Hugh Grant says it best. Happy New Year!

  16. I am LOVING reading these!

    P - Crikey is great. Unfortunately, I don't think I can pull that off without sounding like I'm trying to be British. Sadly!

    Jules - I know. Exactly.

    LJ - That is hilarious. I'm going to try that.

    Monique - Oh my heck! Ooops - husge oops. And I don't know that I could be married to a man who didn't swear - I'd drive him crazy. But I do know that kids will just repeat, and I think if I can incorporate some phrases that amuse me, I'll actually start using them.

    SheLikesToTravel - Drat makes me think of Charlie Brown. I like that.

    Miss Dallas - My high school gym teacher used as I recall. Which I thought was funny, but they're actually good substitutes.

    tara - Shite is a good one. As for your boss - that's very, very cute.

    Sarah - Hahaha! That is a mouthful.

    Anonymous - I like crud. Crud! It feels good.

    Brian - Nutra-shite - so excellent. Melonfarmer. Oh, melonfarmer! Hmm. And bollocks is a very satisfying word. I should try it.

    notsojenny - I think I could manage sssshhhugarsticks! Donot hole, I'd just never remember to pull out, I don't think.

    Masala Chica - Thank you! :) And we can check on each other's progress! You're much cleaner on your blog than I, so I feel certain you'll be way ahead of me.

    Hillary - It counts in my book. And unless Shawn or the pups are reading to you, I guess you can see!?! Yippeee!

    Miranda - Blimmin. I like that. As for "Where is this fucking picnic anyway!" - I know you don't want a three-year old with a mouth like that, but that did make me laugh. And you were a creative little kid!

    mrsmac - Fiddlesticks would be very cute coming out of a kid's mouth!

    Jen - My problem with Jeebus is that Homer Simpson annoys the holy shiz out of me - and isn't that where it started? Or am I wrong?

    As for CHOCOLATE FUDGE I like that very much.

    HKW - I kind of love oh, bugger! but I can't pull off the British. Alas.

  17. I don't think I'd know how to use adjectives without cuss words.

  18. I like "dag" for damn or fuck, I use criminy a lot, and hollering "rats!" can be surprisingly satisfying.

    It's not really a word (or a subtle substitute), but I say "effink" a lot instead of effing/f*cking, too.

  19. You learn not to swear when your 4 year old walks up to her dad and says "daddy, is fuckin' a bad word? Cause you say it alot!" Yeah.

    My mom loves the story that when I was between 18 months and 2 I was in the grocery store with her. She knocked something off a shelf and I looked at her and said "Oh Shit, mom!"

    Happy new year and may 2010 be better for everyone!!

  20. One of my favorite substitutes comes from a friend of mine who narrowly escaped a traffic accident. He yelled out Mother Fucker! at the other driver with his kid in the car. He knew he would be in trouble when he got home, because the kid always repeated things to his wife. Sure enough, when they got home the kid started yelling out the exclamation. But apparently his memory wasn't so good that day, because he instead yelled out, Monster Trucker! It's a standard expression in their house now.

  21. Sugar Honey Iced Tea - SHIT

  22. Hahaha! This comment thread is awesome. Since last year -- since the little one has been able to mimic us -- I've been trying to substitute "dang" for all the best cuss words. It usually comes out something like this: "Where'd I put my... [long pause to consider options] ...DANG camera?"

    Also "What the dang" is fun to say. And there's always "What the what" -- I do love Tina Fey and don't mind copying her one bit.

    My husband likes "jackhole" but to me it still sounds very swear-wordy.


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