Wednesday, July 14, 2010

And why can't I just talk about drywall like normal people?

Plantation shutters are my downfall. Because now every time I think of them I think of my imaginary penis and where to put it.

Although, OK, downfall is a little strong.

You know it all started with those plantation shutters at Nick's old place (hello, morning!) and how Nick was afraid you'd all think there was something very wrong with me if I blogged about it.

And then I did.

For people who know me, it's not that weird.

Right? Please say right.

But then sometimes I meet people, like for example this guy at a BBQ a month ago. He was, and I imagine still is, in the throes of massive construction on his house, which is what he was talking about when I met him.

A friend of friends was talking to him, and introduced us. She's someone I really like and hadn't seen in over a year. I asked what she'd been up to.

She has this very cool international everywhere job plus she does things like spend a month in Kerala at a yoga retreat. So she was telling me and I tried not to turn too deep a shade of envy green as the India-yoga-Iceland-volcano-stuck-in-Dubai-international-glamor washed over me.

(And what shade would envy green be, anyway? Mint? Chartreuse?)

Anyway, in response to the same question I was all: baby-baby poo-lack of sleep-baby-baby-snnnzzzzzzz-here-let-me-bore-you-to-death. In fact, let me bore myself to death. Gah!

So I turned to the guy to ask about The Construction.

(Because the construction! Having lived it, I now find it interesting! I don't know a lot, but terms like duct work and transom and mitre box and molding are now in my vocabulary!)

What was he doing to his house?

Him: Well, everything. Seriously, everything. But at the moment, he was dealing with installing new windows and shutters and such.

Me: New windows! Yes! New windows can simultaneously deplete your bank account and improve your life and electric bill.

We commiserated on the hassle and expense. He's not yet at the life improved stage. And he's trying to figure out the rest of the window treatment business.

Me: And shutters! I love shutters! Particularly plantation shutters, which we used to have and you know, if I had a penis, I would totally stick it through them! Which my husband thinks is weird and have you been to Founding Farmers?

As soon as all of that was out of my mouth, I had this sudden moment of, ohhh, what if they're interested in each other? Maybe they were having perfectly nice flirty conversation! Until I barged in and told them where I'd put the penis I don't have.

It's kind of like Tourette's with me, isn't it?

I made sure to excuse myself before I could bring up the caulk issue.


  1. Tourette's? Maybe. But only of the most delightful and amusing variety.

    I don't think I want to know people who don't find the plantation shutter phantom penis question amusing.

  2. The funny thing is, is that if you had one you'd never think thoughts like that. Trust.

    Oh, and envy green = the color of money.

  3. I agree with Hillary, maybe it was a bonding moment. Maybe they're both of the "don't stick the penis in shutters" camp and it jump started a conversation.

    You could do some sort of speed dating. Give people numbers and conversation topics. "60 seconds on where you'd stick your penis, GO!"

  4. Right.

    I vote for Sage Green. I knew a guy in college who was named after a shade of green - all his siblings were, too.

    You're completely wonderful (love the caulk story)! Those two are probably picking out plantation shutters together right now and owe it all to you. After having hardwood floors put in, I don't think I could handle construction. I had a complete meltdown, the work took 3 days and I didn't do any of the work.

  5. Dagny - Nick loves to say, "Fuck! I think I've got Tourette's!" and so it is regularly on my mind.

    They actually were both lovely and while surprised, not obviously twitchy about it but I made myself all fretty with the what have I interrupted and why do I do this?

    FoggyDew - Men always say this to me. I have to believe you. But it doesn't stop me from wondering.

    And I feel like money green is too, I don't know, optimistic or something. I get the money and envy, but I dunno about the shade...

    Hillary - That's an excellent way to think about it! And I don't even think I mind being known as the imaginary penis sticker.

    Lisa - Speed dating is one of those things I wish I'd done when I was single, just to know how it goes. I think it would be SO fun to run one!

    Lisa -

    HKW - WHAT? A guy and all his siblings were all named shades of green??? This is fascinating!

    And sage does sound like an envy color, actually.

    That would be really funny. Next year when I run into her again I will have to check.

    And construction will push you to the brink of sanity. I love our builder and his workers - really excellent people, all. But living with construction is very hard.

  6. "the imaginary penis sticker"!!!!!!!!

    i am lol-ing (l-ing ol?) in a shoulder-shaking-tears rolling down my face fashion. at my desk. at work. you know, in public.

    that is all.

  7. Deep deep dark forest green is my envy green I think.
    Imaginary Penis Sticking or IPS as we now call it here is so totally a way to blow a sensible conversation out the window. I have found however sometimes it pays to be extremely careful who you discuss 'where you would put your penis if you had one' with. But the look of shock on peoples faces is so worth not being careful about it. I dont call my affliction tourettes I call mine "foot IN mouth disease".

  8. Okay, how did that conversation not IMMEDIATELY switch over to various places one would stick an imaginary (or real) penis. Paper towel roll? Bagels? Knots in trees? Hello? People don't know how to have conversations these days.

  9. I'll have to send pictures of me gutting my bathroom in a George Bush shirt.

  10. You are very adventurous in your conversation. I am sure he walked a way with a story to tell. Thanks for sharing.

  11. I had never, ever thought about Plantation SHutters that way. I love them too - I guess I just didn't ever think about them sexually. You have opened up a whole new world to me . . . ;-)

  12. Coleen - I LOVE when that happens! And then the people around you just think you're nuts! Thank you for telling me!

    Go-Betty - Dark forest green seems a very appropriate envy color. Maybe in velvet, huh, to make it extra-rich?

    OK, so this sentence, displaying the fact that you've done so and results are not always good, is spectacular: "I have found however sometimes it pays to be extremely careful who you discuss 'where you would put your penis if you had one' with."

    Nicole - Men are surprisingly conservative about where they'd put their penis. Or rather, where they do, since they already have one.

    EPeterson - Yes please! Yes yes yes please! You know I now covet that shirt, right?

    Mark - I quite like the idea of leaving someone with a story to tell! That's an excellent way to think about it!

    Masala Chica - Oh, it has nothing to do with sex! It's really just about if I had an appendage that I don't, I'm sure I'd stick it in random places, just out of curiosity. However. The penis-having men assure me that I wouldn't.

  13. You kill me. I'm hoping you just provided them with a nice icebreaker.


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