Thursday, July 08, 2010

Channeling Fred and holy cow, a real live felon!

We used to have this Shih Tzu named Fred.

Also, you know how I'm always saying things like I'm going to stab Nick? But you know I would never actually do it. I just kind of verbally over-react to things sometimes or always.

Just a reminder.

Plus, did you know that if you're a felon, you can't serve on a jury? I asked Nick if they ask for proof and he told me that he didn't know but in any case nobody would believe me.

Because how did he know that was where I was going with it?

Much like whether or not I would make a good lesbian, I get all bothered when people tell me I can't do something. So I was all, I could too seem like a felon. Don't you think?

He says no.

So Fred.

When Fred got annoyed, he would make these little huffing FFFFFFFFFFT hissing noises PSSSSSSSSSSSSSHT and bend his front legs and put his chin on the ground and stomp his furry little back feet one by one. Sort of like he was kicking sand backwards one foot at a time.


And when I am annoyed, I have this feeling I do something very similar. At least internally.

So yesterday I was all in a tizzy, because I'd just realized that my previously postponed jury duty (legitimate excuse: breastfeeding) was July 8! Which was suddenly tomorrow! Aaagh!


So I hustled myself to jury duty this morning all hissy and stompy and OF COURSE I had demagnetized my metro card because I have demagnetized every fucking metro card I have ever bought and do you know how large a stash of useless metro cards I have that I need to send in?


I was late and sweaty and hissy and stompy as I ran back and got myself another metro card and then clop-clop-clopped in my ugly but oh-so-practical Dansko commuting clogs down to the train.

All this fretty hurrying was for naught, because the check-in line was long.


So I sweated in line for a while answering work email and fretting about all this annoying crap work that I need to get done today and then when I got close to the counter it was apparent that this one woman had been taking up two of the clerks' time for quite a while.


Because, it turned out, she had a felony record.

FFFffNow this is interesting...

So she was waving this piece of paper and saying it was wrong, and they told her that they couldn't do anything about it, and in order to fix the record she needed to go to an office upstairs.

They pointed to a line on the paper and said, "This right here is the problem. It says here you pled guilty."

"Oh, I don't have my glasses."

"It says guilty."

"I don't think so. I don't remember that."

"You don't remember?"

"Uh uh. I'm pretty sure I didn't plead guilty."

"Well, it says you did. So we are going to have to excuse you."

(And there I was thinking, that looks easy. And whatever they think she did, I'd like to know!)

"Oh! You know what! I remember! I did plead guilty! Because my lawyer said to. But they let me off."

"Well, we have to go by what this piece of paper says. You need to go upstairs to see about getting the record changed."

There was more back and forth, and then she left. And both clerks said, "Next!"

And then the senior clerk called across to the other, "You have to go by what the record says. You can't listen to what they tell you."

"Yes, I was."

The senior clerk pointed in the direction of the woman. "But don't even listen to their stories. I mean, that one? Murder."



  1. I would totally (and by totally, I mean maybe not really at all) seriously contemplate murder to get OUT of jury duty. So, you know. If I'd saved myself the trouble by having, um, inadvertently fulfilled that particular prerequisite? I wouldn't be disputing it.

    I mean, seriously. It's the ONE GOOD THING that comes out of being a felon, other than a stint on the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

    Also, you make clogs look good.

  2. Whoa! Love the visual of Fred and his huffy response :)

    My husband was called for jury duty for the first time ever in June. He was SO EXCITED that he got selected for a trial, AND he made it as one of the 12 jurors. Day 2 he went back, and it was a mistrial. Turns out stupid girlfriend involved in the robbery didn't realize she was going to incriminate herself by testifying on behalf of her boyfriend. Duh! My husband was so bummed, because he wanted to see how the entire process worked (and getting out of work was cool).

  3. I'm going to read this post (the part about Fred) to pup Boston! Love the description of a dog's frustration.

    Wow, seriously - I'm with the clerk "You don't remember?" (pleading guilty!) I'd argue over the right to vote but not jury duty.

  4. You would kind of think that a guilty plea to MURDER would stick in your mind (no glasses needed). There are tons of things that I forget, but that wouldn't be one of them.

    My husband had a similar experience as Tia's, except he got excused before the actual date. He was so disappointed he called them back and asked if he could volunteer! He aims to be foreman (foreperson?) when he is permitted to go back. (overachieving freak). I think I'd try to dress like a murderer, just to see if I could get rejected.

  5. wait - she was arguing because she WANTED to do jury duty? clearly something is wrong with her (besides the whole murderer thing)

  6. I can't believe she actually went down there for jury duty. I'd be calling them up, "Sorry, I'm a felon, remove me from the list please!" But, it's probably safe to say smarts aren't really her thing. With the whole murder thing and all.

  7. Dagny - Yes, I know! I totally agree! But you don't HAVE to be a felon to be a Real Housewife of NJ, do you? The only thing I could think of was maybe she's unemployed and wants the $30/day that they pay you?

    As for the clogs, I appreciate it, but I do recognize the limitations of the Danskos.

    Tia - Fred was super cool. Gloria was our smartest dog, but Fred was so sweet and hilarious.

    Oh, poor husband! And stupid girlfriend! Although I feel like a lot of these people aren't the brightest. Maybe the brightest don't get caught?

    Last year I got a summons for a special trial in federal court, and I thought that could be very cool. But then it got canceled and I had to just appear for something normal. And at that point I was so pregnant that they gave me a bottle of water and let me go home.

    HKW - The fact that you are reading this to your dog is super adorable.

    They knew she remembered. They knew she was faking it. They were being really nice to her, but they totally knew.

    Can felons vote? I don't know if they can or can't. I didn't know they couldn't serve on a jury until Nick told me.

    Susan H - Oh, that's so cute! I want to volunteer! And I want to be the foreman/person! He should totally be given the opportunity.

    What would dressing like a murderer entail? Nick says he's going to get me a T-shirt that says felon. I kind of really want one now.

    Hillary - Yes. Maybe it was about the $30/day? Maybe she has no AC at home, and it's hot as balls here now?

    Lisa - Who knows, huh? I am going to go with the assumption that smarts are not so much her thing.

  8. Wait - you get $30 a day in DC? Here in Oregon we get a whopping $10. Plus you have to give it back if your employeer pays you. I argue if I'm driving 50 miles RT for jury duty in heavy traffic, I should get that $10 for pain and suffering!

  9. I checked - those convicted of a felony cannot vote. I think we get $10 a day for jury duty in Austin, $5 for the county.

  10. If only I'd known murder was a get-out-of-jail-free (not literally) card for jury duty.... Luckily, the time I was called up for it they didn't actually need me. Long may it continue.

  11. Tia - Yah, $30. You don't get it if your employer pays you, which of course is fair. I think they give you $3-4 for transport, which doesn't really get you there and back by metro or bus. Definitely agree on the $10 for pain and suffering. That'll buy you a Starbucks and a bagel, no?

    HKW - This has me wondering the percentage of people in jail who are Democrats/Republicans. :)

    I never gave any thought to the amount, because my jobs have always paid while you're out...but if your job didn't and you wound up with $5 for the day, that would just be appalling.

    P - In the US, anyway, any felony is. Seems like an extreme to go to, though.

  12. Oh. My. And didn't remember her plea? I thought it was going to be some forgery thing or something nonviolent.

  13. All the people I work with at my part time job are looking at a felony record if they don't complete the program I am a part of. You'd never guess it. Such nice looking people! Dumb. But nice.


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