Monday, July 26, 2010

The douchebag story: Betty learns a new word

Last week Betty and I were talking about this new condo project in our neighborhood.

She'd heard through neighborhood gossip (seriously, you wouldn't believe how many people she meets or how much she learns while having a cigarette on the sidewalk) that they're being built by Chris's employer - the unethical developer.

Betty said she'd like to know more about the condos.

"The problem with the developer," I said, "is that I just wouldn't trust him. He's such a douchebag. And I know that's a terrible world."

"Dishrag? Well, I was going to say something much worse. I was going to call him a sleazebag."

She says the word like it's on fire.

"No, Mama. A douchebag."

"Oh. Oh! That is a terrible word!"

A minute or so later I hear her muttering, "Douchebag?"

I can see her turning it over in her mind, in the same way you might examine a barnacled piece of driftwood you found on the shore. Hmm. Odd.


So Chris turned up just as Nick was heading out to the corner store to get a six-pack of beer.

Chris came in and sat down, and Betty asked him about the condos, and whether or not the developer was involved. Which led me to explain how Betty had learned the word 'douchebag' a little earlier.

Shortly thereafter, Nick returned with beer in hand. He'd bought Blue Moon so Betty could try wheat beer.

Betty loves beer. Or rather, she loves half a beer. If you offer her beer, she will ask if you'd like to split one.

Nick pulled out some oranges and started cutting them to stick in the beer.

He poured a glass for each of us, garnished it, and suggested we head out back. Betty said she'd join us in a bit, so Nick, Chris and I picked ours up and turned to leave the kitchen.

Betty waved at Chris. "See ya, douchebag!"

Chris blinked, grinned, and replied, "Don't forget your beer, douchebag!"

At which point Nick's jaw made this big THUNK as it hit the floor.


  1. Priceless.
    everyone needs a Betty in their life!

  2. That's just fantastic. Oh, my. I just enjoyed the most wonderful laugh...

  3. How adorable is she? Just wait til Jordan starts using new words like that!!

  4. jen - It's true! Everyone needs a Betty!

    Dagny - She really surprised me and made me laugh, too.

    Susan H - Yikes! You had to go there, didn't you? :) I'm sure it'll happen sooner than I think.

  5. PERFECT! This is just about as good as when The Good Doctor overheard me saying someone had their head up their ass. He turned it over and over in his head for a bout 20 minutes, cackled and then rushed out the door. Presumably to tell someone what he thought of them.

  6. Kinda-sorta reminds me of the time my mom told me she went to the movies to see "The Piano." Really, Mom? "Yes, I thought it was about music."

    Also, with Betty spending so much time with him, prepare for J's second word to be "douchebag." What's gonna happen is he's gonna say "Momma" and you'll smile at him and he'll say "douchebag." Trust.

  7. Ha! This story was so worth the wait! Betty is hilarious.

    We had family in town this weekend and went swimming at Deep Eddy, a public pool downtown with natural spring water (brr! 69 degrees I think). My sister kept calling the pool "Deep Betty" which made me think of your Mom :) And Mad Men. (btwomgdidyouseethepremiere?)

  8. I love calling people douche bag-that deserve it, of course. Betty is grasping the use of it quite well for a newbie!

  9. hahahahaha! Awesome Betty! And the story was definitely worth the wait: )

  10. Next you need to teach her my new personal favorite: douche-canoe.

  11. There's always the polite-company versions: oxygen thief and mouth-breather. Or as immortalized by HIMYM: "heir to the Massengil fortune."

  12. Love it! Good for Betty!

    Just wait to see what J comes up with. The worst for us has been a few months ago we were going somewhere and we stopped for gas. That turned into filling the tires, gas, wiper fluid, etc. My hubby was complaining about having to do all this and my sweet, beautiful, well-mannered 4 y/o pipes up from her car seat "Mama, I think what daddy meant was 'f*ckin' car'". I just thank GOD we were not in public!

  13. OMG, that is so great!

    I live in Quebec and have actually had entire conversations qith people trying to explain to them what exactly constitutes a douchebag since there is no french word that adequately translated.

  14. I seriously love Betty.

    One notch higher on the offensive-meter: "douchenozzle". When you really let your mind visualize it, it gets so much more repulsive.

  15. Perfect! I hope she enjoys her new word and uses it often. The world needs more people who are willing to identify douchebags. Especially douchebags of the shady developer type. (Says the lady who works in the development industry and is surrounded by shady douchebag developers.)

  16. Oranges in beer huh, never knew!!

  17. Kate - I hope he ran out and used it immediately!

    FoggyDew - Haha! Was she disappointed?

    And please don't say that. Nick will kill me. Seriously.

    HKW - Yay! I'm glad! As for Deep Eddy - that's really funny.

    And yes! Yesyesyes! We stayed up late and watched! I am so over Betty Draper - she's selfish and spoiled!

    kayare - Here's hoping she doesn't keep it up. You never know.

    Kate - Thank you! I'm glad!

    Lisa - I'm not teaching her anything of the sort! She will run with it and then I'll have to be all, oh, well, yes I did teach her that...

    Andie - Hahahaha! I really like mouth-breather, actually, but I never remember to use it!

    cla517 - I read your comment on my Bberry at the dentist's office and laughed out loud.

    Kenya - OK, that's completely hilarious. I like the idea of going into a lengthy explanation on it. :)

    Kate Bee - Betty is awesome, she really is. And I can't really run with the visualization. I just can't.

    Hillary - I didn't realize lots of them were shady? I only know this one is because of our personal dealings. I forgot to tell you! I saw a crane truck go by the other day and all I could think was "erection schedule"!

    Go-Betty - I've only seen it with this particular beer, but the fact is I don't really know wheat beer, so maybe it's done with other wheat beers as well?

  18. So often after reading your posts I say to my husband "I love Lemon Gloria!" if you ever wrote a book I'd buy it in a heartbeat!

  19. Thank you for a good laugh. First smile of the day!

  20. Jennifer - Such a wonderful thing to tell me! Thank you so much!

    Lynn - Ha! I'm so glad!

  21. hahaha! This is a great story! I think I would tell it often.


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