Monday, August 09, 2010

Because at this point I consider myself something of an expert on the subject

I don't know if you've ever accidentally created a situation on a trip that then horrifies a multitude of people?

Like maybe letting out a fart so vile on a plane that at least 10 rows around you start talking about it? And the flight attendant comes by with air freshener?

If so, you might think that you'd already experienced the most appalling public incident possible while traveling.

You would be naive.

Because maybe you spent over eight hours on Saturday driving to a family event in suburban NY. With your semi-gruntled but becoming more and more disgruntled child in the back seat.

Eight fucking hours.

Because 295 sucked and 95 sucked and 40 sucked and the New Jersey Turnpike sucked.

And then when you pulled off to get your kid something to eat, maybe your kid made a funny noise while you were standing in line at Sbarro.

And that funny noise turned out to be his pre-vomit sound.

Because then he maybe puked all over you and himself. Head to toe.


Which would mean that a number of people would recoil - not least of all the Sbarro people, who were just about to take your order - as you headed out the door to Go. Find. Dad.

And, uh, sorry for the puke, Sbarro. (Nick totally tipped the clean-up guy.)

Nick was waiting for gas.

He was fortunately at the head of the line, so you only had to stand on the side - soaked in vomit, picking lunch off your shirt, with a wailing baby and kind of whimpering yourself - for several minutes.

In your single, child-free days, you likely never imagined that one day you would find yourself: stripped down to your undies wiping vomit off your face, neck, torso, and entire child; throwing both of your clothes into a thank-God-husband-packed-it trash bag; changing a diaper; and changing both of you into clean clothes IN A PARKING LOT OFF THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE.

And beyond the kid, it's the barefoot that bothers you, not the nakedidity, because God knows what could be on the ground in the parking lot.

It's amazing how little shame and how much panic you have when vomit is involved.

Seriously, the humiliation might last longer, being stuck next to those people for the entire flight and all, but take it as fact: producing the fart of death on a plane is much less of a production.


  1. I love you for this. ANd I love that you stripped down in a parking lot. BEcause I would SO TOTALLY DO THIS. I'm so sorry about the vomit.

  2. i love these stories.
    my sister had a similar incident at a Friendly's (mind you their neighborhood one that they frequented often... notice the past tense)
    except hers was about pee and it somehow not filling up the diaper but instead pouring out all over the seat, floor, and husband's pants. they ate as fast as they could after apologizing profusely and trying to clean it up themselves while staff insisted on helping. they left a HANDY tip and went on their pee-soaked way.
    this is where the lesson of "always have a changes of clothes for baby and YOU" comes in handy. you have recemented this in my mind.

  3. Kate - It's the only reasonable thing to do, you know? Like you're going to haul clean clothes (and hope they stay clean) into the disgusting rest stop bathroom.
    jen - Ugh. I don't understand how all that pee got everywhere? They get a lot of kids there, though, so they must be used to it. Yes, you have to have 54 changes of clothing everywhere you go. It's a pain.
    We had an incident at a Friendly's on this trip as well, but it was my fault. I'm never going back.

  4. Ugh. this is my worst nightmare. I am terrified at vomit when its contained. Heck I dont even like being nauseous. I would have likely stripped in the Sbrro fuck waiting until the parking lot.

  5. Ew, just ew... and poor you. I actually did this to my mom once in a JC Penney's when I was about 7. I remember waking up in her arms in the car ride home and telling her she smelled like throw up... at which point she assured me that she was pretty sure that I smelled like throw up too.

    I think that incident was the start of believing I may never be able to be a mom... because I'm not sure I could maintain grace under (vomit) fire.

  6. I'm willing to bet Sbarro had it coming.


  7. I feel your pain. I once vomited and pooped my pants at the same time while I had a volunteer from my work place in my car with me.

    And I agree, I don't want to think about what was on the floor of that Shell station as I stripped in the bathroom and attempted to clean myself up.

    I wish I'd tipped the little girls who came in, saw me in my sweater and leopard panties, screamed and ran back out the door. I still feel guilty about the mental scars they must bear.

  8. Oh Lisa My darling boy who is 17 today did this to me in a supermarket (grocery store) going through the checkout when he was 4 yrs old, he barfed everywhere, the floor, the checkout conveyor, I still dont know how he managed to get it up that high and all over the display stand of chocolate bars they have conventiently beside the checkout and on himself and me. It was Nasty and I was mortified but totally more concerned about him than everyone else gagging around me lol.

  9. I must say, the last time I striped down in a public parking lot due to vomit....the root cause was too much tequila and a painful break-up and not an 11 month old sweet baby boy.

    I'm sorry you had to go through that and am glad you're on the clean side of it all.

  10. Wow. Well, um. Apparently, Thing One did this to my brother-in-law, in the Costco checkout line. So, at least you weren't there?

    So glad you came out okay on the other end!

  11. Oh no! This sounds particularly disgusting! Nothing like becoming a parent and going through these episodes to strip away concerns as to your method and place to clean off the vomit. Vomiting in public definitely trumps plane farting.

  12. Heartbreak Hairdye - I would've expected to vomit myself, since I don't do so well with the other people getting sick thing. But it was so weird - besides being all, crap, I have puke all over me, I was just worried that J was OK.

    Keenie Beanie - I used to vomit on my parents regularly when I was a kid. I remember this. I'd feel like I was going to get sick, and then I'd go in their room and puke on them. What terrible instinct. Ugh.

    LiLu - That's totally how I should look at it. Their pasta is awful. :)

    Lisa - That is SO Very Terrible. So awful. I'm so sorry. I've been sick like that, but never, never in a car. Oh, awful awful awful.

    G-Betty - Happy birthday to Ben! He is wonderful!

    As for the checkout barfing incident...mine pales in comparison. I cannot even imagine handling that dreadful scenario with any kind of grace.

    HKW - You know, I think my prior puke incidents were caused by similar situations to yours. And look, we all come out stronger and happier! :)

    Dagny - Ugh ugh ugh. The line of Costco would've been so much worse. So much.

  13. kayare - Yes. It's shocking what you can tolerate once you're a parent. And definitely trumps. :)

  14. Oh yuck, this reminds me of how my brother in law was throwing his baby daughter in the air and she puked all over him, even in his mouth! I always remember my sister in law saying that once you have kids you become a "human napkin". Oh the stories you'll have to tell your boy someday...

  15. baby puke from being car sick is pretty bad but I still think your farts are worse.

  16. Been there. We were eating breakfast in Denny's and little miss choked on a piece of pancake (she was under 2 y/o). Yup. I then wore all of her breakfast, as did she. And I only had a change of clothes for her. Ugh.

    Glad you had a change of clothes!

  17. My brother choked on and subsequently threw up an incredibly large Easter Brunch, all over one of those circular booths at Clyde's in Reston, in which six of us were packed into. My brother was in the dead center. My sisters and I scooted out of that booth at lightning seed. My mother, while pounding my brother on the back, continued to eat her omelet.

    The best/worst part? The poor, hung-over busboys who were turning green and arguing over who was going to have to clean the whole mess up. Poor fellas.

  18. The only way this could have been funnier is if it had been you waiting for gas and Nick getting the food with Big J. Also, thanks for the mental reminder to always bring a garbage bag along when traveling with kids. Such a simple thing that I'm sure many of us forget.

  19. My sister sat bolt upright in the middle of a tent one night, and spewed chili all over us/our sleeping bags. It was raining cats n' dogs, and we drew straws to see who got to sleep in the station wagon. (I and a little friend who'd come along, won the straw). By morning, fortunately, it'd stopped raining, and as we cleaned up and got ready to head out in search of a laundrymat, we picked out whatever chunks we could, as incredulous dad made commentary: "JUST LOOK at the size of that mushroom slice! L---, Look, LOOK at this kidney bean - look, there's not a TOOTH MARK on it! L--- you've GOT to learn to CHEW YOUR FOOD!!!"

    Once dad was driving me to my grandparents for a visit (to give mom a break, more n' likely). He was in the army at the time. After dropping me off, he was going to a Big Brass Inspection. I was in the back seat and leaned over to say "Daddy, I feel sick" when out it came, down his collar, all over his drycleaned dress uniform, on his hair and hat....We were still "the middle of nowhere" about an hour from gramma's. Poor Dad!

    But life has a way of gettin' back at ya, and apparently, life has a long memory; of course my own son paid me back in spades, decades later.

    LOL @ freckledk's mom...scary, I know, but see what happens when you've been through it enough times?

    Let that be a warning! ;)

  20. Lmao. Puke, poop, farts of death... I LOVE this blog! Not just that it's so real, and it's something so many can relate to, but the comments too. I don't have children yet and there's been a lot of baby talk this last year, but Lisa, I love how you are preparing me for what to expect and making me confident that I'm not so crazy afterall :-)

  21. Oh holy hell! I followed the link and that is one outrageously hilarious fart story. Thanks for some really wild laughs.


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