I know you're not supposed to say this, but I just can't stand my kid today.
I've been pulling some serious revisionist history and fantasizing about how awesome my single life was.
The fact is, I couldn't really stand him yesterday, either. Nick went out of town for work and I was all, fuck, now I'm alone with the kid.
Because everything? Everything is terrible.
UP! MAMAMAAAA I. WANT. UP!
NOOOOO! UP IS TERRIBLE! WAAAAAAAAAH! DOWN! I WANT DOWN!
WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA YOU ASSHOLE! DOWN IS TERRIBLE! IN FACT, DOWN IS WOOOOOOOORRSSSEE THAN TERRIBLE! WAAAAAAAHHHHH!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAAAAAANNNNTTTT AND YOU'RE NOT DOING IT!
Being awake is terrible.
Napping is terrible.
The only things he wants to do are things he's not allowed to do. And this enrages him.
I suck because I'm not allowing him to actually eat the corner of the board book that he manages to chew off.
I suck because I closed the bathroom door, when the toiled could be an endless source of delight, if only I weren't so mean.
But I am. I'm so mean.
I suck because I won't let him pull on that one fucking plug in the middle of the fucking wall that was the only fucking place that Nick could plug in the fucking speaker.
AAAAHHHHH! THAT PLUG! IS ALL I WANT IN THE WORLD! AND YOU'VE TAKEN THAT AWAY!
Yes, yes I have.
The high chair? Might as well be a guillotine.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH NOOOOOOO NOT THE HIGH CHAIR!
WAIT! NOOOO! DON'T PUT ME DOWN FROM THE HIGH CHAIR! WAAAAAAAH! DON'T YOU LOVE ME?
And I am all, listen, little pal. If I didn't love you this much, or have this much self-restraint, you think we'd still be here, doing the Asshole Dance together?
Oh no! Sorry to hear that. Hey, it's your birthday month, yay! Big J's too, so tell him to get it together so he can have cake later.ReplyDelete
vvk - Thanks, friend.ReplyDelete
HKW - I know! You'd think we'd both be behaving better, wouldn't you?
You know, I should have cake right now! That would improve one of our moods...
Bottles aren't just for kids.ReplyDelete
Time you both partook in a little "self-soothing".
sounds like he's teething... even if he's not, this phase will pass... it just sucks for a while! hang in there!ReplyDelete
Awww. You know it will pass. But I can't take the constant-ness of it when they get like that. Maybe this is why God thinks it best not to give me kids.ReplyDelete
LOLOLOLOLOLOL! Welcome to the list of Meanest Mommy EVER!ReplyDelete
My mother used to dip our pacifiers in Blue Nun white wine which not only helped but explains oh-so much about my tolerance for alcohol.ReplyDelete
I hear whiskey is good to rub on a baby's gums as well, as it numbs the pain away. Then Mama can have her own little Happy Hour.
Good luck. Let me know if you need someone to make a whiskey run...
Makes you wonder how a single mom does it, huh? Hell, it makes me wonder how any mother does it! Hugs to you!ReplyDelete
P.S. And that pacifier trick is awesome!
Oh no. I am so sorry. And very frightened. It seems that whatever Jordan is doing, my Morgan does like a week later.ReplyDelete
I am stocking up on wine!
Not liking your child (or your spouse, your mom, or anyone else for that matter) while still loving them beyond all measure is totally normal!!! Hopefully, he'll chill out soon!ReplyDelete
Until then, WINE.
I'm sorry you're having so much hassle with him right now, but you did make me laugh. and remind me i'm glad to only have myself to look after. :)ReplyDelete
Does your gym have a daycare? Because that may just keep the bugger alive a little longer while you burn off some energy.ReplyDelete
Oh, Lisa, I'm so sorry. Days like that can be so incredibly rough on both of you! Sometimes when ours gets like that, I just stick him in the stoller and go for a walk outside, even if it's just our patio. The change of scenery, fresh air, and new stimuli works wonders. For both of us. Hang in there!ReplyDelete
Go outside as soon and as much as you can! Something about the fresh air. Although, not so sure about the humidity factor. Does he still like his pool? And his outside yelling will be a little more diluted with the neighborhood sounds. :)ReplyDelete
This too will pass.ReplyDelete
Um, I feel your pain. Being 38 weeks pregnant with number 4 and, just today, having 1 kid pee in her bed on purpose, 1 kid decide to throw his (messy) dinner all over the kitchen floor/table/chairs, and the last kid pee in her dinner chair and all over the floor, I am about ready to check myself into a mental institution for a BREAK.ReplyDelete
lacochran's evil twin - Um, I'm afraid it might become too regular a habit. One for J, one for me. One for J, one for me.ReplyDelete
Sara P - I think so. I dosed him with pain reliever and that gum gel, and that helped a bit. But he was still pretty cranky.
Kate - It's the constantness that makes it soooo brutal! It's one thing to have one meltdown a day, or even an hour, but to have one every five minutes all day long! Gaaah!
freckledk - Did your mom seriously? I don't know anyone whose mother actually did that! I know people say that's a good old fashioned remedy but I'm too fretty to stick alcohol in my kid's mouth. I know people all over the world have been doing it for years. Whiskey on my gums, however...
Keenie Beanie - I cannot imagine being a single mom. You have to have amazing fortitude.
Angel JAM - Definitely on the wine. Maybe also some earplugs.
cla517 - I am totally used to temporarily loathing my husband, but I just feel so much worse about it when it's my kid!
P - Enjoy! Actually, it sounds like you are enjoying plenty - keep it up!
Mary - No, my gym is at my office and it's free, so no side benefits like day care. Otherwise, man, I'd work out five hours at a time. And you made me laugh with the "keep the bugger alive a little longer" - !
Luna - Boy, they are rough, aren't they? Just endless and painful. I need to do more of just getting out the door. We went out for a good long walk and it made a huge difference.
kayare - We got out for the afternoon and it was better. We haven't been in the pool just because it's been so hot. The water is shallow and just gets hot hot hot.
Go-Betty - It shall, it's true.
katie - I have nothing on you. Nothing! Kid number four! 38 weeks! I was a ranting, raving, feeling sorry for myself mess at 38 weeks, and that was without any children out of the womb! You totally deserve a break. Here's hoping you get one soon.