Friday, September 17, 2010

What to do if you find yourself in rural Africa with two-foot boobs and no bra. In three easy steps.

Yesterday one of my commenters said she thinks mammograms are easier if you have more real estate, and I think that's probably true. In many cases.

Because the woman had to squoosh me up against the machine, and push and contort me a bit to get it all in there. Although maybe they do this to everyone?

For me, my post baby boobs are pretty much the same. Just...well, sadder. That's the best way I can describe it. They went from being these happy little cupcakes to being a little weary.

The world was too much with them.

Breastfeeding apparently makes your breast tissue less dense and decreases your chance of breast cancer. This reduced density makes them more easily flattenable in the mamm-machine. Big plus.

So the woman contorted and coaxed and squooshed, and then, when she was satisfied, I looked down. Since the top of the vise (I doubt that's the actual term) is plexiglass, you can see your boob all flattened in front of you, like a sugar cookie pressed onto a sheet.

Very bizarre.

I kind of wanted to take a picture. But what would you do with it?

But back to the real estate. Here's what I've been thinking about.

So you know those National Geographic pictures of women with their super thin boobs hanging two feet down with a little nipple at the end staring down at the ground?

Maude said that when she lived in the Congo, women would take their long, stretched boobs, and roll them up. They'd start with the nipple and roll them up until they were at the top, and then they'd tuck them into their garments like tin cans. She told me this yeeeeaaaars ago.

I'm quite sure I'll remember it to my dying day.

After yesterday, I began wondering. How would you mammographize such long boobs? It's one thing to mash big ones down, but could those machines cover a two-foot long area? Or would they fold them over, since they're very thin?

And that's about all I'm going to say on boobs for the week. Happy weekend, all!


  1. Given my stance on having children, and my status as a mini-cupcake haver... I am now absolutely terrified about having a mammogram.

    And also, terrified of what might happen if I continue to run with minimal support. Rolling my boobs just seems like it might make it even harder to find a well-fitting brassiere - which might actually be a less fun quest than getting a mammogram.

    I think we might all benefit from a MSPaint depiction of the vise situation.

  2. You could be a medical illustrator.

  3. NOooooooo! They don't really dooooo thatttt! NO. I can't accept it. No rolling of the boobies. I haven't had my first mammogram yet. I'm not particularly scared. I just think the whole thing is weird. Do they squash testicles to look for testicular cancer? No. Men invented this machine, you know.

  4. I love this post. Love it even more than cupcakes.

  5. Jessica - No, don't be terrified. It's really not painful - not more than a little squeezing and pressing, just bizarre.

    I try to have good support for running. Even small ones benefit from support.

    I will definitely consider it. Why didn't I think of that?

    texpatriate - HA! It's good to know I have a backup.

    Kate - Hand to God that's what Maude said. If she reads this hopefully she'll weigh in.

    It's not scary, just strange. And my mom ALWAYS says men invented it. I'm quite sure they'd never squeeze their nutsacks in some medical device.

    Dana - Thanks! That's huge!

  6. Yes, please. Ask Maude if she was kidding or even exaggerating the tiniest bit? Ouch. Ick. Eww.

  7. I love your brain. In a totally noncreepy way. Thanks for the giggle :)

  8. I have finally stopped laughing enough to be a little mortified by boobs rolled up like toilet paper. And although, I have no desire to see a picture taken during your mammogram, I would kinda like to see a picture of the women in The Congo... maybe. I think?

    I also have a little deflation going on since breastfeeding (or maybe its my AMA). Its not the best look. Sometimes, I sort of try to see what they would look like if they were perky again.

  9. "I'm quite sure I'll remember it to my dying day."

    And now you've given that gift to me.

  10. They look like the cinnamon rolls I made last weekend. :) I wonder what it's like to be the one to set them up on the machine? Do you go home and talk about the weird ones over dinner?

  11. Hahahaa the drawings are priceless.

    You and I even have the same boob situation, from everything I've heard you say about yours! I am very happy with my small, perky, no need to wear a bra boobs....and as of lately Nathan is even happier with them, because at 4 months pregnant they are growing.

    I thought it was just wishful thinking on his part until he took a pic of me this a.m. as I was getting ready...and when I finally got to see them through the camera view I was like holy shit they DO look big!

    Now I just wish push up bras were actually comfortable so I could see what showing off cleavage feels like for once in my life!

    Glad the mammogram was more amusing than traumatic for you =).

  12. And now I, too, will remember that to my dying day.

    As one in possession of lots of real estate, I can tell you that I've figured it has to be easier, too, for us bigger breasted chicks to be smashed into place.


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