Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Comcast douchemonkeys: a rant in one part

So, I know cable is not critical in anyone's life. Also, I fucking hate Comcast.

And Dad, if you're considering emailing me to tell me I complain too much, I'm just going to invite you to imagine where along the nature/nurture path I might have gotten it from. The answer is: not Betty. As for all the profanity and possible typos - for those I take full responsibility.

When I lived alone, I didn't even have a TV, let alone cable. I just didn't watch enough to make it worth giving up the space in my tiny place. And then I met Nick and he had cable and TiVo and it's not the reason I fell in love with him so fast, but it sure didn't hurt. It was like magic!

Anyway. His TiVo was extremely old and was being persnickity and totally arbitrary in what it chose to record, and so we got a new one. But it needs a special card to work with the cable.

Being super-organized, he'd already called Comcast, and they said, "Sure! Come on over to the Comcast store! Drop off your cable box! The people at the store will give you the card to make it work with your cable!"

So easy, no?


The people at the Comcast store told us, after we'd waited in a longlong line, that they don't have those cards. You have to schedule someone. So we scheduled someone.

We went home early on Friday, and sat at home all night. For the fucktard who never showed up. Nick called Comcast repeatedly, only to be apoligized to profusely, and told that they guy was running late. And another call, still running late. At no point did they say, "Just give up, he's never going to come."

Late in the evening, Nick finally said he wanted to schedule someone else. Who was to arrive between 6 and 9 am yesterday morning.

At 7:30 am, the doorbell rang. Yay! They actually kept their word!

He was at the house for like five minutes, put the card in, and told Nick to run through the install, and then he'd be set. And he was on his merry way. Presumably to go hang out at Starbucks and blow off his subsequent appointments.

So last night we were all, "We can watch Dexter! And Big Love! And the Project Runway special! We'll never have to converse in the evening again!"

And we turned on the TV! To a grey screen. And Nick kind of lost his shit.

Because, it turns out, the douchemonkey was supposed to wait through the install, do something at the end, and then call fucking Comcast to finalize it. This is what they said when Nick called.

Once infuriated, Nick gets pretty funny, in a way. He keeps an even tone with the people on the phone and tells them he realizes that they are stuck apologizing for idiots who don't do their jobs. But he makes these ridiculous statements.

"The first clown didn't even bother to show up. The second guy sticks the card in the machine, lies to me, and then bolts. What's the next guy going to do? Pee on my rug?"

They assured him that there was no way the next clown would pee on his rug.

And, "This is the fourth time I'm having to deal with this one tiny thing. I'd rather be raped than go through this again with the idiots that your company seems to employ."

They apologized again for his terrible experience. They responded not at all to the rape preference.

When they asked if he could be home during the day he replied, "No, sir, I cannot. Like you, I have a job. I'm working to pay for the service that you are not providing."

They certainly understood.

What kills me is this. In pretty much any other industry, you'd get a month off your service, or someone sent out immediately, or something to make you feel better about all the fucktardery. However, they're our only option. So they know they don't have to bother

Comcast is all, "Yeah, we're sorry. So can you be home next Tuesday between 10 am and 3 pm so we can blow you off?"

I find it so surprising that some bitter customer hasn't gone postal in one of their stores. Or bludgeoned one of the technicians with a TiVo box as he unsuspectingly steps out of the van.

It's not the lack of cable. It's being repeatedly lied to that's so galling.

What is wrong with these douchemonkeys?



  1. Ohmygosh, that SUCKS. I HATE Comcast! I thought they were our only option when we moved, but luckily AT&T has something called U-verse which is available near us. At our old apartment (we lived in a building with about 100 apartments) the cable guy cut our service because he couldn't see some number on the wire so he thought we were stealing service. Took him two seconds to pull the wire and the company an entire week to come out to restore service. Color me PISSED. But at least they prorated my bill.

  2. Wow - So I moved in Aug/Sept and dealt with this same thing to get my cable set up...only maybe worse. I would highly recommend that you or Nick go to the Comcast website and send an e-mail via contact us if I remember correctly. Mine got forwarded to some VP of customer service who then sent it to a customer resolution specialist etc. They will be able to give you better timeframes etc. I was livid because my installer did not show up twice...and they told me they had to reschedule me at the end of the line over two weeks later?!?!? Yeah I was having none of it. Then when the resolution lady rescedules it, he completely fucked he had to come back again...and he had the nerve to be an asshole about it. Comcast blows...seriously I'm surprised their offices haven't been bombed...due to the infuriating incompetence and piss poor attitudes of their workers.

  3. hehe... you said persnickety. :-)

    This is part of the reason why I don't own a TV. I've never gotten good service from a cable company.

  4. I have Comcast, but I'm lucky enough to live in a building wired for both cable and fios. For the past month I've been trying to work up the nerve/time to cancel the service and switch to fios.

    I think this does it for me with them. Their service sucks and, when they ask why I'm cancelling, I can say "it's because your service blows and you screwed over someone I know. That annoys me so I don't feel like doing business with you anymore."

    Thank you very much. Jag off.

    Nick's pee on the rug and rape comments: priceless.

  5. Stacy - Thank you! Validation!

    Kate - What kind of idiocy is that? I think I'll just cut this wire...That's super annoying. I'm glad they prorated your bill.

    Megan - Thanks for the suggestions. We'll do that. That is incredibly infuriating. You got a worse run-around than us. It's shocking that they're still a successful company, considering how much ass they suck.

    VVK - I love that word. :) And I am tempted to ditch cable entirely. We could get rid of the expense and the irritation.

    FoggyDew - My parents have Fios, and we just got them a TiVo and my dad had a GREAT experience with the guy who came out with the card. This is partly why I expect an email about my complaining. But anyway, my point is, Fios seems like it's fantsatic. Ditch the Comcast jag offs.

  6. FIOS is probably coming soon. But I'm pretty sure you DO get a discount off your bill when the technician is late - you might need to call them and follow up to make sure it's applied, but I think you get $20 per incident.

    I did notice that all of the technicians I've dealt with were exceptionally burly men. With crowbars, and a great Marlon Brando impression. I wonder why that is...

  7. (correction)you should enclose your syntax in <> brackets, or your code will break.(/correction)(postscript)you are ultra-hilarious(/postscript)

  8. I cannot believe Nick actually said he'd rather be raped.

    I would have been in trouble because I would have been laughing hysterically in the background.

    Kudos to you for self-control.

  9. Cable "service" people are the WORST. The worst! And not just to customers. Earlier this Fall, Time Warner Cable and the local NBC station in Austin couldn't get along with eachother so all TWC customers didn't have NBC for a month this year. No SNL, during the Tina/Sara days!

    Sorry about all the hastle but I laughed so hard while reading this entire post.

  10. this just seems to one of those things that always brings people together -- a common hatred for Comcast. and they're a prime example of why a monopoly is not a good thing.
    i imagine working for any other call center has to be better... i'd put money on 85% of their calls being people ready to SNAP! another thing they never do right? turn OFF your cable! you can cancel it today and still have free cable for the next year, or turn off your paid channels and somehow get more. such a crazy business model

  11. Note to self: avoid pissing in Lisa or Nick's Cheerios lest I incur their fury. But if I do, be sure to read the blog post about it the next day as it is likely to induce work-inappropriate levels of laughter.

  12. Jessica - That is awesome. I would like $20 per incident. And so weird that they all carry crowbars. Maybe it's your area of town?:)

    Jordaan - You are right! But when I put the <> on the end, Blogger took it as actual code and hid it!

    saratogajean - I know it sounds funny coming from him but it quite horrified me. In his fury he also suggested, somewhere in the mix, that perhaps they might do something malicious like come out and paint swastikas on his house while they were not fixing his cable. Which is such an unnecessary thing to say. I'm certain he had them pretty flustered.

    HKW - Argh! So stupid! Clearly, this cable stupidity is all over the country! Also, glad to make you laugh.:)

    notsojenny - I know. It is seriously idiotic.

  13. This happened to me last year with the Canadian equivalent to Comcast. It took multiple ranty phone calls and one scathing letter but I ended up with 3 months free service. Was it worth the time and effort I put into it? Maybe not. But they were being such asscocks that I could not let myself go down without a fight. It was the principle of the thing more than getting free cable. But the free cable certainly helped.

  14. My hate for Comcast is unmeasurable, we no longer have them and I still rant about how crappy and what a horrible piece of company they are.

  15. my hero.

    my favorite quote from her, which is not in the article, is that after her arrest she said "what the hell, i'm 75."

  16. They do totally suck. And I don't have cable, but still depend on them for the basic stuff, since the antenna doesn't pick up anything in my place (and in a month will be obsolete anyway...).

  17. Hillary - Free cable helps for sure. Mostly because it tells you that they actually give a shit about their service. Good for you for fighting.

    Christina - I imagine we'll do the same when we can finally get rid of them.

    kate.d. - Wow. She completely rocks! I hope I'm that feisty at 75!

    RestaurantRefugee - I cannot imagine how you would piss us off, but if somehow you did, I would try very hard to tell a funny tale about it.:)

    MrsMac - Haha - a FB group of Comcast haters! I understand harboring the bad feelings. I'm sure your Swiss service is impeccable.

    Beach Bum - Yah - nobody seems to have a good experience with them.

  18. I didn't own a TV before I moved in with my now husband, who had DirecTV, Tivo and this crazy sports package where he could watch every Major League Baseball game on TV during the season.

    I wish we could ditch TV so bad, but then I wouldn't have anything to tune out while I knit.

  19. Good news? There's apparently a customer liaison named Frank Eliason who deals who people ranting on blogs about their service. Sometimes complaining helps!

  20. Oh my god! The same thing happened to me when we upgraded TiVo. The comcast people seriously came to my house 3 times before they got it right. It was ridiculous. I blogged about it and someone from corporate contacted me, then someone finally came out to fix it. And I got a credit. Good luck!

  21. I have never Never NEVER had a good experience with Comcast.... Wait, not totally true, I did pay a young kid $75 to shimmy up my pole and hook up free cable for me about 4 years ago. We eventually got caught but all they did was turn it off. I didn't get it any trouble.

    But since honestly paying for Comcast I've never gone longer than 2 months without an issue.

  22. The second I saw the title, I knew I would love this post. I can't count on both hands the number of times they've royally effed me over.

  23. I had a similar experience with Comcast, but luckily they comp'd me two weeks of service. and no peeing on rugs or rape involved! did Nick ask to talk to a supervisor? that's who got my shit figured out - even called the next day to make sure it was still working!

    but as a former cable call center employee (another C, not Comcast thank God!) I can advise this: call and threaten to cancel. even if you don't honestly mean it, it morphs the rep into retention mode and they're bound to offer you something worthwhile. it's all to save business!

  24. Hell, out here in the middle of nowhere, we can't even get cable so I can't bitch about it.

    Okay - and this is really touchy and offensive, but I've got to say this. I swear, I am so going to use that rape line. And I'm going to add "and I've been raped. It's not so great." to it. Because there are moments when I want someone to understand my complete disgust with their lack of service, for example.

    I have to leave the room when MathMan deals with customer non-service issues because I crack up at his facial expressions.

  25. I want to be witty and complimentary--but I keep laughing at the brilliance of the 'peeing on my rug' comment. I may have to use that one someone.

  26. I *heart* Nick. Are y'all SURE you don't want to go all Big Love with me? I can cook and I'm good at being invisible.

    I threw enough of a snitfit with Comcast after a similar experience - they gave me the direct number for the dispatch/manager - he called one of the techs in their trucks and sent them right over to me. The customer service folks don't have that option but, if you make enough of a fuss, they might put you through to someone who can actually solve your problem.

  27. I got six months of free cable from Comcast a few years ago for similar douchebaggery. It is completely ridiculous and unacceptable that they treat people this way, yet apparently, they continue! If you want to know my method to the free cable, email me...

  28. Actually, I have an update. And depending on how it all gets resolved, I'll probably write about it...Comcast contacted me and they want to make things right for us. They're supposed to come out at six tonight to fix it.

  29. Just stumbled across your blog-spot. You just may be the female me.


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