Monday, December 15, 2008

Which is not to imply that the Coen brothers are always on my mind

For the vast the majority of my sex-having years - until, in fact, veryvery recently - all of my efforts were always aimed at not getting knocked up. Well, that and avoiding the STDs.

And I should warn people - if so far this post seems like it will make you twitch, you probably want to stop reading here.

At a very young age, I could discuss the merits and drawbacks of various contraceptives. Condoms - a barrier method - were of course the best, because they protected you not only from pregnancy but also from disease.

I knew all about the importance of family planning and disease prevention and nothing about sex.

And then somewhere along the way I learned about sex. And then eventually started having it. And from minute one was incredibly anal about birth control.

Not in the Catholic schoolgirl way that sounds. I mean careful.

So after all those years spent trying not to get pregnant, suddenly I realized that I knew nothing about getting pregnant.

Unless you go Googling, which I didn't till recently, you don't know. It's not like you grow up with your mom telling you the optimal positions for conception or anything. It's all been contraception.

So the first few times that we were in whee! let's make a baby! mode, as soon as all was said and done, I immediately curled up on my back, hugging my knees to my chest. You know, to help all those baby missiles swim forward or whatever.

After the third time I did this, Nick looked at me and said, "Is that what you're supposed to do? Or is it because Maude did that in The Big Lebowski?"

I blushed. "Oh Nick, it's straight from the Big Lebowski."

In my defense, The Dude abides, you know?


  1. So so true. When we started on the baby-making process, I was struck by how hard it can actually be to get pregnant. I had it in my head that it would be a piece of cake from all those sex ed teachers in school!

    Good luck!

  2. "Not in the Catholic schoolgirl way that sounds. I mean careful."

    I just spit yogurt on my keyboard-- thanks. :)

  3. MrsMac - I know! They make it sound like one false move and you're all pregnant immediately!

    JoLee - Heh. Sorry about that. :)

  4. funny story, this girl in my high school totally let all her boyfriends do her up the butt so that she could stay a virgin.

    Like anal didn't count.


    She probably thought that kept her reputation in tact as being a good girl, when in fact everyone knew her as the girl who does anal.

    She just friended me on facebook. I snickered, just a little bit.

  5. Let's see, if memory serves, the following worked at our house:
    (1)First you have to bite a hole in the used condom (if he's wearing one, which apparently you don't have to worry about), stick in appropriate orifice, try not to shoot it out laughing through your partner's shrieks, go to sleep on your side, wake up hungover.

    (2) Think for two seconds about the "slip," stand up to hunt for undies and the remote, watch rerun of the Simpsons while sitting up in bed.

    (3) See #2, but watch rerun of Frasier instead. Probably go to the bathroom and get a glass of water, too.

    Good luck! I'm really pulling for your guys to make that baby!

    P.S. Womanizer just came on the iPod. I take that as a good omen.

  6. If it makes you feel any better, I do the same thing and I've never even seen all of The Big Lebowski. It just seems to ... I don't know ... make gravitational sense or something.

  7. Heeee! I did the exact same thing. Jason looked at me like I was insane, but I was all, "whatevs, dude, I'm trying to get it done here." It worked, in any event.

    And can we raise a glass to DCup? Fucking hilarious. And who knew she was a Britney fan? That Womanizer song is like crack.

  8. Slightly Disorganized - Wow, SD - I had heard that kids in high school were having a lot more oral and anal sex and preserving their vaginal virginity! It's true! That would be a super dreadful reputation to have, and one you don't live down.

    DCup - You totally made me feel like I've been taking it easy. Much less effort on my part. And Womanizer! That IS a good sign! :)

    Kate - I have done some reading and it seems that it does make gravitational sense. Good instincts!

    Wendy - Exactly - whatev. And it worked for you! And DCup, absolutely. Except she hates Britney - it's her youngest daughter who loves her. And that song is totally crack.

  9. I officially like the Britney song. How can I not?

    (Thanks, Wendy!)

  10. I do think that gravitational thing is supposed to work . . . but I'm the person who spent YEARS freaking out about birth control, only to find out I am completely infertile. If I had known back in the day what I know now, I would have had LOADS more sex. LOADS. Without worries.

  11. I almost want to go get some fertility testing done, just so I know if I'm infertile... at least I could stop taking bcp, and worrying every time my period's a date late, and have sex all over our apartment with nary a care.

  12. I'm so very excited for knocked up Lisa.

  13. Hey - whatever works, right?

    I myself get out of bed immediately and jump up and down, but I'm sort of looking for the opposite outcome (which is no outcome at all).


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