Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Where personal is all so very relative

You know, I've never been one to hold back on discussing, well, much of anything, really.

But I feel like pregnancy does so many icky things to you that you just have to be comfortable with, that my tolerance for this kind of thing has skyrocketed.

If you can imagine.

Jen and I had dinner with last Friday night.

It was so great to see her, and fantastic to catch up, although just slightly a far cry from the boozy, boy-spotting, who knows what might happen Cancun porn-watching outings of yore.

Conversations of wedding (yay!) and baby and pregnancy dominated.

Nick joined us as we were discussing - and I kid you not - my anus.

Because, you see, one of the things that nobody told me beforehand was this: All these down-there bits of you that typically live inside can get shoved outside. All the weight and pressure, it turns out, is hard on your bits.

And so while I haven't looked, because I can't really bear to, I know for a fact that it's not like it used to be. My OB, in fact, commented on it last week during the surprise! swab.

I asked if there was anything I could do for it, and he said, "Sure, but it won't help before he's born. And just wait till you deliver!"


And so I said to Jen, "Basically, as far as I can tell, much of my butthole is more on the outside than the inside."

And she said, "I've never paid any attention to my butthole."

To which I responded, "Yah, I never had before. But you realize something is different. And then it's more different. And one day you're all, hmm. What's going on with my anus?"

She was in the middle of saying something like, "I'll have to check it out. . ."

. . .when Nick interrupted. He leaned towards her and said, "Can I ask you a personal question?"

And I was all twitchy, wondering where this could be going, and Jen clearly was too, as she tilted her head, "Su-ure."

And he said, in his very polite Southern accent and manor: "I was wondering if you'd mind me asking how old you are?"


  1. I know! I couldn't even imagine how he'd get MORE personal, and then it turned out he was just in a totally different space.

  2. Hemmorhoids: Pregnancy's lovely parting gift. Ugh.

  3. Wow, every word I hear about being pregnant and what's it's like afterwards further strengthen my desire to never have children. God bless those of you that do. In the meantime, I'll be sunning myself in Tahiti while you all deal with your toddlers with meltdowns (hehe).

  4. LOL age and anus. Both start with "A" so maybe one is fair game in conversations if the other is brought up?

  5. Way to try to change the subject, Nick!

    It really is just amazing how little you care about formerly "personal" stuff when you are pregnant. By the time you deliver, you won't care who's looking up your hoo-ha. The janitor could walk in the room and you'd be like "Dude! Did you bring a plunger? Get this kid OUT!"

    Sorry you're having booty issues!

  6. Well, it sounds like things are exactly as they should be, then.

    I mean conversationally! I have no idea what should be going on with your bits.


  7. I've said it before and I'll say it again: people REALLY underestimate what a woman goes through during pregnancy, giving birth and post-birth.

    I mean REALLY. As in no clue whatsoever. (My friends informed me of everything they went through so all I can say is I was in utter shock.)

  8. Wendy - Yah. I couldn't believe it. I don't know why.

    Tia - So far, nothing is prohibitively terrible. But enjoy Tajiti! :)

    Mb - Ha! I'd like to see it in reverse.

    cla517 - Oh, maybe he was! I didn't think about that.

    I am certain that's true and not even an exaggeration.

    Dagny - Yes. In a manner of speaking, yes.

    Marie - It's true. I had no idea it entailed so many difficult/dreadful details.

  9. I have looked at my ass before, while going through a misguided attempt at shaving it while I was a young thing in college, and I cannot imagine it turning inside out.

    I guess that's just one more thing that is turning me off to getting pregnant.

  10. Oh gaaaaawd, I forgot about that! Bless you, sistah, for bringing this up, because it's so common, yet new moms to be aren't usually tipped off about this pesky problem.
    Thank you - yet again - for your unflinching honesty!

  11. Once again, you are giving me soooo much information about what occurs during pregnancy!! ;)

  12. I think if we knew everything about pregnancy before-hand nobody would get pregnant. But people definitely get through it and go back for more!

  13. Wow. I am so grateful my pregnancy was as easy as it was. Of course, I'm certain that's why I now have an incredibly fussy baby that likes to scream from 10 pm until 3 am... Karma, I guess. Which means, of course, that given what you've had to go through with your pregnancy, you'll have the perfect baby that sleeps through the night without difficulties!


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