Tuesday, June 01, 2010

I never wanna hear you say I want it that way

I don't know how much you know about leprosy.

Don't panic - it's not highly contagious after treatment. And apparently, unlike the rabies, for example, you've got a while before you suffer any permanent damage. Which I guess in the rabies case that would be death.

So leprosy is definitely preferable to rabies.

In case you're wondering.

You're probably also wondering what's with the leprosy, Lis?

Let me sum up.

A friend emailed Tori and me and said she probably had leprosy. Or maybe heat rash. And, she added, isn't leprosy now a non-PC term? Or somebody's disease, at any rate?

Tori Googled and said "Yes, it's also called Hansen's disease (like the boy band?)."

And so, far more intriguing than leprosy - which I grew up worrying about - is the idea of a disease in which you'd wake up and find you were a member of a boy band.

Don't you think?

This would be really awkward, and even more so if you were a woman.

I don't know if it would be bacterial or viral. And would it be sexually transmitted? I think probably. Would it be treatable? I think yes, although I'm not sure what treatment would entail.

If you have thoughts on this, I'd love to hear them.

But really, picture this:

You'd get out of bed thinking you were all normal. You'd open the medicine cabinet to take out your toothbrush, and in doing so, you'd catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror.

You'd be half asleep and not really paying attention, but you'd startle, thinking it was someone else.

You'd look behind you, open and close the mirrored door a couple times. You'd think you looked familiar, although not at all like yourself...

And then all of a sudden your skin would go cold and the hair on the back of your neck would stand up. Pop music would fill your ears. It would hit you in a rush.

"Fuck! I'm a Backstreet Boy!"


  1. OK, first. Does your friend have leprosy?

    Now, to the boy band. I think the cure would be long and painful. You'd realize that you have no musical talent and were only chosen by your Svengali manager because you fit a type (the cute one, the bad boy, the rapper). Then, you'd realize that everyone over the age of 14 thinks you are a total douche. Such self discovery would bring on an existential crisis, after which you would be cured. And then featured on VH1's "where are they now".

  2. Wow, does boy-band-itis come on so quickly? Or are the initial warning signs, that would allow for early treatment and potentially limiting the expression of the disease? Maybe you're just a superfan, if they get to you within 48 hours of symptom onset? OMG, Lisa...the things you think of :-) Thanks for the laugh!!

  3. cla517 - Oh, no, not at all! She had leprosy in the same way I probably have a brain tumor every time I get a headache.

    Hahahaha - is this what happens to them now? Or do they go through life never realizing, I wonder.

    Susan H - Ohhh, I didn't think of the initial warning signs. I thought it would be more like the flu or food poisoning. But it could totally be slow onset, where you have time for treatment before it gets out of control! Good thinking! If I decide to invent a disease, I'm totally going to turn to you for advice. :)

  4. Okay, that day off gave you too much time to think! I loved that 1st comment! You could always take solace in the fact that being a fucking Backstreet Boy is better than fucking a Backstreet Boy. And, maybe you could get that guy who sings at the changing table to be in your band too.

  5. That's terrifying. I think probably most terrifying for the family. How do you watch a loved one turn into Justin Bieber?

  6. We were just watching an episode of House yesterday (season 4 or 5 I think) and the patient was diagnosed with leprosy, "the pretty kind, not the kind with arms and legs falling off". Apparently there is a version that makes you look younger? I should probably Google it before spreading rumors but the disclaimer is - don't believe everything you see on TV.

  7. definitely sexually transmitted - and not like, easily-cured sexually transmitted. the kind of sexually transmitted that leaves you sterile (for the greater good of man.)

  8. I would rather be a Backstreet Boy than a member of Color Me Badd. Or 98 Degrees....as long as I'm not that super fugly one with the platinum hair and the paunchy midsection.

  9. I am thinking that the cure would be something akin to having to listen to 80s punk rock music and possibly having to watch live footage of those bands perform at 9:30 Club and CBGBs.

  10. Symptoms include: unbuttoned shirt, waxed chest, frosted hair and increased desire to gaze intimately at camera.

  11. The sad part is, I wouldn't know. I'd be like, "Ohgawd! I'm a dude! With too much gel!"

    But I wouldn't know that I was a Backstreet Boy, and so many other people would. It would be the Kafkaesque equivalent of having my skirt tucked into my pantyhose, or something. Ugh.

  12. Lynn - You make an excellent point there. And I'm not trying to form a band, I promise!

    Lisa - "How do you watch a loved one turn into Justin Bieber?" - This is truly excellent. Oh, I laughed.

    HKW - Hmm. I didn't read a whole lot about it but I don't know if they are on-target. Of course, I was looking at Wikipedia, and only briefly, so they might be. I ought to go back and check.

    Hillary - Hilarious and harsh. Excellent.

    FreckledK - Alas, it would strike randomly. Nobody would get to choose.

    Angel JAM - That could do it as well, I would think.

    KLZ - HAhahahahaa!

    Dagny - I only know some of them. BUT if it were a known disease, you might not know which one you were, but you'd know what you'd come down with, I think.

  13. Since we're talking hypotheticals here... what would happen, if say you were already in a boy bank, and you got infected by this disease? Would you become a hipster? hmm... yes, I think it would be a hipster. That would be ironic.

  14. ah! I think I would have liked that when I was a teenager. I loved the Backstreet Boys. In fact, I started singing as soon as I read the title of your post.

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  16. AAAAHHH! I'll take the leprosy! (you're a very funny lady!)

  17. VVK - Hmm. I'm going to go ahead and agree with you on that one. Or maybe, maybe you become a member of a death metal band? That'd be a shock.

    Grace - You are so cute! You make me laugh.

    Miranda - Yes, leprosy indeed. :)

    GW - Heh.


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