Sunday, June 06, 2010

One of the heavy ones

Often, when I wake for no reason and can't sleep, like this morning, I think about my dad.

In the smooth quiet dark dark of the 3 AMs, 4 AMs, 5 AMs, there's no distraction, save the tinging of the clock - on the hour and half hour. Ting ting ting. It's three. Half an hour passes. Ting. Fuck - 3:30. Ting ting ting ting. And four.

And so on.

One ting for every hour. One each half hour.

We now keep the clock in a room far from us, where the tings are barely audible. You catch them between breaths. Mainly because when it was right outside the room I threatened to take it outside and beat it with a hammer if Nick wouldn't make it shut the fuck up.

But it's British! An antique! From his grandfather! He was affronted.

But also realistic. He moved the clock.

So the deceptively sweet still of the wee hours of the morning. With the faint ting ting ting and the familiar breathing of your husband. And the impossible whirr of your mind, your suddenly awakey wakey mind.

You know, about a week before my dad tried to take his life last April, we went over to my parents for dinner. I knew he was struggling - it was all over his face. But I thought it was about his heart problems.

Although in a way, I suppose it was.

When Nick and I left I said, "Hang in there."

And he said something like, "That's an odd thing to say to someone like me."

I took it as a sign. A positive one.

Like, look how he's able to make light. You wouldn't have such a sense of humor if you were in such a bad place.




  1. Sorry Lis. At least the clock has gone far away.

  2. Tingy clocks deserve to be smashed.

    Big hugs, lady.

  3. The very early morning can be a brutal time. I don't know you, and I'm not thrilled with the phrase "virtual hugs", but I want to send you a hug anyway. Take care....

  4. 外遇---偷來的時間、偷來的伴侶、偷來的愛情

  5. My MIL passed away in Oct and nearly every night before falling asleep my mind thinks of her. *hugs*

  6. *hugs*

    I hate the early, tingy hours.

  7. thinking of you, dear, which is more than i can say for anonymous, above, who had this to say:

    --- Stolen time affair, stolen partner, stolen love
    Perhaps the new and exciting, perhaps crazy good, but it is, after all, is stolen ...
    Affair hurt a happy family
    Perhaps you will say: the problem already exists, an affair is not the only factor in injury
    But deep down actually, you know, this is just an excuse for an affair!
    Under construction in the others received injuries love, after all, difficult to happiness ...

  8. i hate that time of night, when everything is quiet and still but our minds are so very active.

    hugs to you lady. big big hugs.

  9. KLZ - Thanks, lovely. It's now kind of nice in the distance.

    Hillary - Thanks, hunny bunny. I almost did when I was preg. Really almost. Would've been a Very Bad Scene.

    Donna - I appreciate it. Thank you.

    LJ - I love you love you love you. And here I thought they were sending me virtual clickable hugs from China.

    brookem - Thank you. It's a brutal time, isn't it?

  10. Ah sweetie, it sucks how it comes out and hits you in the stomach at the best of times, but somehow worse when its in those horrible ticky hours. Hugs to you

  11. HUGS, big warm hugs to you!

  12. I read this with a heavy heart. I've never experienced that kind of tragic pain, but I hope yours is relieved, if only slightly, with the coming of the dawn.

  13. My heart goes out to you...I'm so glad you have such great memories of your Dad and are surrounded by your husband, son and Mom.

  14. Hey girl, the last time I saw my dad alive (he died of lung/liver cancer 6 wks after it was discovered), he'd had a stroke and was trying to get some words out, but couldn't. He died the next morning. Wondering what he wanted to say to me haunts me incessantly.

    So, it's just one of those things. You just have to live.

    At least, that's what I tell myself.

  15. I've so been there. The day before my grandpa walked out for the last time, he was so happy, the least depressed he had been in months--I still wonder if there were signs that I missed/ignored and it gets to me in the wee hours.

    Sending lots of positive thoughts your way!

  16. In some respects, you are so very much like your Dad, in that you are constantly making light out of the darkest situations. It's my most favorite thing about you, really. I hope that makes sense. It's a good thing, Lis.


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