Monday, June 14, 2010

The mantra rug, jeans babies, and the busy business of mamama eeeeee thump up! down! bang blam here! there! blam! In other words: send liquor.

I'm going to start by reminding you how much I love my son.
Also, I put this rug in his room. For me.

But you know I love him more than my life, right? And that I would do anything for him?

I would never actually toss him out a window, or hand him to a passer-by, in the same way that I would never actually stab Nick. Even though I mention doing so on a regular basis. You know this.


Plus, on the whole he is happy and smiley and sweet and charming and he makes me laugh and I squeeze on him and kiss him approximately 956 times a day.

So when I tell you that lately in addition to all that, he's being kind of an asshole and driving me up the fucking wall, I trust you'll understand that I realize he's a baby and not an asshole and I'm not actually resorting to baby window tossing or giving away and you won't call Child Protective Services.

Just so we're clear.

Also please forgive any possible run-on sentences. I'm tired and cranky and did I mention tired and that my kid is kind of pushing me to the frazzled ends of my little rope?

So I am never around babies, because: 1. I avoided most of them like the plague before I had one, and 2. I generally suck at organizing play dates.

And since I love to generalize, I just assume most babies are probably like mine. No?


My friend Karen came over last Friday with her daughter Summer, who is six weeks older than J. I don't know if you gender differences play a role, but I was really struck by how much calmer and gentler her daughter is.

We celebrated managing to get together with tea and Jeans Diaper Dance Party 2010.

While Karen changed her, Summer kicked back and was all, "Cool, a dry diaper! Thanks, mom!"

She made some kind of adorable little cooing noise.

Whereas Jordan did his typical clutching at the side rails for dear life and wailing and flailing and generally behaving as if the changing pad is covered in acid and nooooo not another toy to hold and please God, please grant him the dexterity to scale the wall and escape.

Finally I got the diaper on and put him on the floor and he was all, "Awesome! Now Summer, let me show you these amazing drawer pulls. One day I'll be strong enough to pull and the contents of the drawer will be MINE! To strew about! Mhahahahahaha!"Summer sat on the carpet near her mom and watched. While J bounced off every single wall we have and pulled out all his toys and generally caused as much chaos as possible.

And then she stood up and raised her little arms so her mom would pick her up.

While J raised his arms for up, and then as soon as I picked him up he was all nooooo fllooooor is so much more interesting and down down is where I want to be!

Because you see when he is down UP! Up is where he wants except he'd also like to be THERE! Until he is THERE and then here - wherever here is - is far preferable.

And so we are up!ing! and down!ing! and busybusybusy!

(Also the extra !s are for emphasis and I don't actually speak Xhosa. Although I do think it would be really cool to speak a click language.)

All the while I'm eying Summer, who is making cute noises and gently picking up one toy after another and examining and playing quietly. And watching politely while my little hurricane is grabbing toys, pounding the floor, and being all bang! Blam! Bang! This one goes to eleven!

In this picture we're at the end of our date. You can see Summer is kind of like, "Oh, thank you so much for having us over. I've enjoyed it immensely and your son has a certain charm and now I'm tired."

While my little rocket scientist is all, "I can't believe you're interrupting my BANG THUMP busy business for a picture! Don't you know how many more bells and whistles and BAM BANG BANG THUMP I need to demonstrate before they leave?"
It's like I said: send liquor.


  1. Wow, are you sure you don't have my kid? Because that's Jackson to a T. Luckily he's a sweet kid, because the pounding and bouncing around, and "dear god get away from that!"'s are enough to make me pull my hair out. If he wasn't so damn cute...
    I'm convinced it's got to be a little bit gender...and the rest in my case is that he's his father's child. Help me!

  2. Oh, but just think 14 years, he will ADORE his mommy, and the calm and sweet girl you had over is going to use that flippant, surly teenage girl tone on her mom at every opportunity. Huff, sigh, roll eyes. You'll have revenge then. For now, uncork a bottle!

  3. I agree that some of it is gender, but I assure you, some of it is NOT. A lot is personality. How do I know this? Well, I have a GIRL (Who is almost 5, BTW.). And I watch in awe as other people's little girls are quiet and demure and quiet.

    While mine runs up and down the hall and talks talks talks to everyone and wants to know where we are going and can she have a cookie and can she please have some paper to color and crayons and really she likes markers better. . . .You get the idea.

    Luckily, as busy as she is, she listens well and is sweet natured. (Which has kept her alive while mommy digs in the back of the refrigerator for the wine many a night!)

    Remember, being outgoing and social is a GREAT thing (take it from the shy one!)

  4. ha, a jeans party playdate. J is just adorable, even if he is a little rambunktious (how the hell do you spell rambuntious? there, i left out the k. I DONT KNOW!)

  5. Oh no! I think finding that other babies are calmer than your baby is another reason not to have play dates. At least he's super cute.

  6. It has to be a boy thing because I could have written this post. My child hasn't sat still without restraint in his entire life.

  7. i've witnessed the gender differences too - i watched my first niece grow up and then my first nephew only a few months behind and i used to watch him and think "man, this kid's got hyperactivity disorder or might be learning disabled, he's a terror!" and then a couple of years went by and he's AWESOME now! it's just the way they age when they're little. it's crazy to watch them at the same age growing in such different ways. if it makes you feel any better i've always thought my nieces were the most well behaved kids but somewhere around 4/5 they become little bitches and the nephew at 4/5 is pure heaven!

  8. Is that Summer girl wearing jean diapers, too?! Jesus. Why do they have to be stonewashed - it just makes it all the worse.

  9. I don't know ... Summer sounds kind of boring (in a "make Lisa feel better!" kind of way, not in a "Summer sucks!" kind of way. Just to be clear, in case your friend Karen reads your blog.)

  10. love the rug - in fact, i have a notepad that has that clever, yet important saying.

    this past weekend in toronto i took a pic of a large ad for THE JEANS DIAPERS. i promise to send it to you before J is potty trained.

  11. Love the jeans diapers on both of them. And I definitely think it's a gender thing. Zeke is and was all over the place, whereas Josie is totally like Summer. Thank goodness for the cute - it helps keep us from throttling them on a regular basis.

  12. Well for starters I needed a drink after I read that post! Mainly because it brought back memories of raising my daughter!Never sat still, never met a stranger and never knew quiet. Love that 23 year old to death now don't ya know. I finally saw the diaper commercial this morning and it was oh so funny now that you and Big J are in my life...errr...sort of...and I'll totally be glad to send you a bottle or fifteen. What's yer poison? I graduated to whiskey way back. One 16 almost 17 yo boy left at home. 3 out of the nest. My liver is shot but I kept 'em all alive and even got 'em educated some.
    BTW, it's 70 and finally freaking SUNNY in your moms home state. Party on the Patio!
    Give Bam Bam a hug from Prairie Lynn

  13. I've always thought that gender was a toss-up. Boys are holy terrors until about 10, when they start to get pretty cool. Girls and chill and sweet until about 10, when they turn into hormonal wrecks who do nothing but sass and be rude. You're just getting your rough part done first!

  14. 1. I was not prepared for the cuteness of the jean diaper modeling and play-date Summer and Big J. Send help, I'm dying of cuteness in a window-less office in Austin.

    2. Wow. I actually feel compelled to send liquor. Titos okay?

  15. I buy everything "Keep Calm and Carry On" that I can get my hands on...

  16. LMAO Pebbles and BamBam no?

  17. You left out one important thing.

    What KIND of liquor?

  18. Ginger - I love the name Jackson! Yes, he sounds just like my son. And J is very much his father's kid as well. And both Nick and I are stubborn as mules, so there's no way he won't be.

    Susan H - That's what I hear! The boys are hard when they're young and much easier as teens! I hope he adores me. I do remember being dreadful to Betty when I was a teen.

    cla517 - You know, Jordan is the same way. Very sweet-natured, and I think he will listen. He knows his name, and he knows NO! and he mostly heeds it - although not necessarily the first time. And I was shy shy - would so much rather have been outgoing. I love his personality...he just makes me very tired and kind of nutso sometimes.

    brookem - I believe it's with a C. Rambunctious. That's a perfect word for him!

    Lynn - Hilarious. Wow Lynn - you must be STRONG! And I'm sure all your kids are truly wonderful people. I am certain of it. And yay for sunshine and nice weather in ND! I remember some hot hot summers in Minot, actually.

    You know, we've (OK, I've, and Nick has agreed) decided to start trying to cultivate a taste for whiskey. I've always been a gin or vodka drinker, but we got a bottle of nice scotch for our wedding that we've never opened. It just seems all sophisticated. Or maybe I've been watching too much Mad Men.

    Grace - Ah, I think the play dates are really good for moms. I just lack organization. And I find planning around a kid overwhelming a lot of the time.

    Jennie - And he hates the restraint! High chair? Trauma until we start eating! Same with the car seat. Tragic! Until the car starts.

    jen - I am very glad to hear that. I mean, not that you thought they were hyper or learning disabled. But because I just find him so exhausting so much lately.

    freckledk - Yes, we put little Summer in jeans diaps as well! And they're not really acid washed...more of a faded kind of wash. I love them.

    Hillary - You are adorable - such a fierce friend. Summer has a ton of personality - she's just more understated than J. Or at least the couple times I've met her. You know, I would do the same thing. Make you feel better! Your kid is perfect!

    LJ - I love that it was a propaganda poster. So very British, no? And oh, an ad! Yay that you took a picture!

    Wendy - I was just giggling with the jeans party. It is true, the cute and sweet make the insanity much easier to tolerate/not throttle.

    Tia - I've been hearing this over and over! It's like something everyone else knows! Wow.

    HKW - I should be sending you liquor! Stuck in an office with no window! I had the option of an office, but there was no window, and I decided to stay in my window cube. I'd like a door, of course, but no light just kills me.

    And I am so hoping we get to meet this summer!

    cltirish - I love that poster. I was delighted when I came across this rug. In orange no less! Yay!

    Go-Betty - They are! They are!

    Dagny - Oh! I hate to say this, but mornings like this one, I wouldn't even be particular.

  19. 知道他有了外遇

  20. I love that rug. That rug is genius.

  21. I love the rug.

    I also think it's just an every kid is different thing. I have a friend with a boy whom I...kind of don't like. My little guy is spririted for sure but her kid is WHINY. Already. He's not even a year old. I'll take tempestuous over whiny any day.

    That said, why is it that when parents complain about their spouses everyone nods understandingly. When they complain about their kids, people get concerned. What's up with that? Kids can be assholes too.


Tell me about it.